March 21st, 2016


(no subject)

I tried to meditate myself to sleep last night, because I felt a bit anxious. I don’t know if I succeeded, because I am just a beginner yet in that stuff; I have three meditation classes left, I haven’t been told where the second one will be held but I guess that the teacher will announce me this week.
I guess that burning frangipani incense and listening to calm flute music would be nice, that and if I took better care of my nutrition and exercise.

I meditated by lying still, it made my back muscles cramp a bit; I breathed through my nose, and had to spray some Vicks Sinex inside my nostrils so that I would be able to breathe more easily; I crossed my hands on my chest with my teddy bear snuggled against me, tried to keep my hands from wandering and feet from wriggling, and wondered why the hell was my stomach grumbling because I didn’t feel hungry at all.
I managed to get rid of my anxiety, but after I quit I started having thoughts that weren’t anxious but felt a bit serious. Mostly it was about drowning in feels caused by Doctor Who and the sweet face on Jon Pertwee.

I slept quite well. I had dreams about all kinds of stuff, one was about the Marvel live- action movie Thor; the titular character had gotten himself into a tiff with Fandral, so he crushed his head with a rock, and it made Odin go all “Oh my beloved son, what hast thou done?”
Another dream was about a village in ancient Japan, that was being bothered by a giant that ate children. Which reminded me of Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan.
In another dream me and my mother were in a circus, which was plagued by a bunch of roaming, flesh- eating zombie punks. It was a rainy summer evening. One of them was nice to both of us and saved us from being cannibalized, and took us to a small stand to shop for all kinds of silver- studded black leather jewellery.
Another dream was about a Team Fortress 2 update where the character Spy wore a Gothic Victorian female outfit that reminded me of Nellie Lovett from the Tim Burton movie Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street.

In the morning when I started stirring in my bed, I felt like nasty like it was the worst mistake in my life to be awake right at that moment. I got up about at before eleven o’clock, took my morning medicine, had a wash and dressed up.

I spent most of the day inside, I felt like going outside but at the same time I felt an impending doom upon myself; I knew that if only I went out, once I came back I would have realized that everything went well and nothing bad happened. But I didn’t seem to be able to convince myself.
I should at least try to just grit my teeth and go outside, it will be worth it because in the evening my body won’t be screaming for fresh air.

I took a nap and woke up when I received mail; one was a letter from the social office, I was told that they had rejected my application for the income support so I could purchase a swim hall membership card and recharge it, along with recharging my current gym membership card. Oh well, then again, I guess the parish will help me. I will visit it on Tuesday next week.
I also received an Easter package from my sweet, darling friend Carol Anne! There was a bar of organic soap with a lovely scent, a pair of retro button earrings, two cellphone danglers in the shape of baked treats, a cute baby bunny plush toy, two My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic surprise packages, and a lovely Easter card, along with a bag of the sweetest and yummiest chocolate eggs filled with strawberry flavoured crème. I enjoyed the package thoroughly.

The package made me happy enough, but I still felt the everyday anxiety; I felt like I was on the verge of bursting into tears and bawling my lungs out, as if I was about to break in pieces.
I decided to do some simple stretches and exercises to calm myself down. I should take up the habit of exercising as often as possible, I hope it will be possible once I get to recharge my gym & swim hall membership card, and once the weather gets warmer and I can start going for walks and bike rides without the fear of slipping on ice.
I also cleaned up my apartment a bit, it’s very tidy now. I read the book Go ask Alice, surfed on the Internet, and wrote into my diary.

I had to take two tranquillizers, they calmed me down well enough that soon I was about to fall asleep right where I stood. I didn’t feel like raging anymore, but now I felt like I was about to burst into tears and bawl my lungs out, and as if my body was on the verge of breaking.

Later the day my ASPA worker Kaarina came for the weekly home visit. We talked a bit about my current problems and I washed the dishes, then we both left at the same time. I asked her if she could hug me; we both hugged and laughed and wished each other a happy Easter.

I was thinking about going to Amos Anderson art museum and then to Girls’ House, so I took the P train to Helsinki.
Usually I take the I train to Helsinki, because the journey is shorter that way. But sometimes when I have extra time and want to see landscapes, both urbane and countryside, I take the P train which travels through the airport and Tikkurila.
I had a strange premonition; if I took the P train, something bad would happen, so that’s why I took the aforementioned train so I could prove myself that nothing bad was going to happen.
Once in Helsinki, I went to a bank account to check out my balance, just for a lark, and what do you know, I had received 70 euros.

I took the bus 411 to Myyrmäki, and went to the stationery shop in Myyrmanni shopping center and bought two diaries with a flowery cover pattern, thirteen Easter cards for my Finnish friends, and a set of ten 1st class postage stamps with pictures of blue violets.
I also bought some yummy treats like a bag of salted crisps, a bag of cinnamon rolls, two chocolate bars with fudge bits, and two bottles iced espresso.

Once back home, I ate a handful of crisps and all the cinnamon rolls, and then I set to work on the Easter cards; I wrote my address, the receiver’s address, greetings and my signature. I also wrote one for Pärkele, I am going to take it to his shop tomorrow.
Another was for my parents, normally I would have gone to my childhood home and handed it to them, but my mother told me that cards are supposed to be sent in mail. And since I respect my mother, I will send it in the mail.

Later the evening I felt the wanderlust again, so I went to the post box and stuck the cards inside, then I went to Citymarket and asked the shop assistant if they had Reino slippers (very old beloved Finnish brand) in pink plaid and in European size 40. I recently gave my knock- off Crocs to charity, and I needed new slippers since I don’t fancy walking barefoot in my home.
The shop assistant found me a pair of the slippers in size 40. I also got myself a Familon (another Finnish brand) blanket, and asked the shop assistant to put them on hold until tomorrow so I can buy them.

Tomorrow I will have an appointment at the psychiatric clinic right at noon, I don’t know yet whether it will be with my nurse, psychologist, doctor, or the occupational therapist.
Anyway, after the appointment, I will go to the dressmaker’s to pick up the mended dress and give them my blue, embroidered Dirndl dress to be mended.
Then I will go to Citymarket and pick up the blanket and the slippers, take them home, and go to Horror Shop to give Pärkele the Easter card and perhaps some treats.
Me and my friend Mirette will go to a restaurant in downtown Helsinki, she had recommended the aforementioned restaurant for me.
I’m thinking about going to the Myöhätuuli youth group in the afternoon, but I am not sure since I have all kinds of business to take care of.
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