You deserve to be healthy, safe, loved, and very happy
15th April 2016
Today I visited Amazon.com to look for a copy of the books Stargirl and Love, Stargirl by the novelist Jerry Spinelli. I wanted to order them and send them to my sweet friend Schlitzie, I have recommended the books for her.
I ordered the books from CDON, and also found out that there are different translations of the book series and they have amazing covers, so I compiled a list of them.
I cried last night when I recalled my childhood. I didn’t exactly have a childhood too harsh, but some parts of it were harsh, the leukaemia and being bullied. But now I feel better and I don’t even understand what I cried about, because seriously, when you count both the good and bad things, my life is so awesome right now. I want to be sweet, kind, loving, gentle, forgiving, positive and optimistic, but still be able to speak my mind and stand up for myself. And I know I am able to do that.
This morning was like all the past mornings during this week; I woke up in the small hours and felt like I wouldn’t get any sleep. I took my morning medicine and went back to bed, and slept like a sweet baby all the way to, well, later the morning. I got up later, and had a proper wash. I flossed and brushed and rinsed, washed my face with cleaning milk and dabbed Nivea Crème on it, took a short shower and dabbed lotion on my body. I also dabbed Apolar cream on my right wrist because my eczema is surfacing again. I put on clothes and jewellery; a dress (1980’s Marimekko, pastel yellow and red and mint green stripe- like square pattern, with t- shirt sleeves and a rounded neckline, scrunched waist, the hem reaches my knees. Bought from the Salvation Army flea market in Iso- Myyri shopping center) and a necklace (purple velvet necklace, pendant with a drawing of Clawdeen Wolf from the cartoon Monster High. I received it from my best friend Suavecita).
I went to the health center, and waited approximately for two hours for my turn to the nurse on call. There was a television bolted to the wall in the waiting room, there was a TV show about a Victorian detective named Murdoch. Today's episode was about Carrie Nation, whom I admire.
I explained the nurse that I need an appointment with my doctor, because I want to receive some sort of prescribed treatment for my inflamed scalp. I got an appointment on May 17th, at half past ten o’clock in the morning. It’s a tad bit too early, but better early than never. Now that I think about it, I should also go to allergy tests.
It was quite chilly outside, but the sun shone. I went to the marketplace, there was an old man selling clothes from a car boot. I bought a new dress for tenner, it looks a bit like the 70’s Marimekko dress that I bought yesterday; A- line, sleeveless, the hem reaches my mid- shin, it has vertical purple and green stripes and small white and blue flowers. It looks a bit like the clothes for sale in the Estonian Sadamarket where I usually go when visiting Tallinn.
Then I went to Myyr York shopping center, looking for a birthday card for Viltsu who has his birthday on Saturday, the same as Lynne. I went to the library, and borrowed the Lord of the Rings trilogy in one book, and the book The Hunger Games. I have tried reading both, but the movies are more interesting. I also borrowed two graphic novels; Sherlock Holmes and the Hound of Baskervilles and Deadpool VS. Carnage. It’s ever so nice seeing Shezzer’s chin and Deadpool’s purdy mouth.
Once back home, I washed two loads of laundry, including the new dress. Almost every single one of my leggings (not the fancy ones, but the red and purple ones I wear during cold weather) has a tear in the crotch. I better take them to the dressmaker’s, I don’t feel like throwing them away and paying for new ones.
I received two bills in the mail; one was the payment for my membership card to the Friends of Kiasma, 35 € for one year. Another was when I had my Internet connection fixed and my virus protection updated, 91 €. I know that the social office won’t pay them, so I have to pay them with my own money. I can most likely afford paying them all by myself. I already have a Museum Card, but with the Kiasma card I am able to get discount from the Kiasma Café and Shop, and I plan on buying lots of gifts for friends and notebooks for myself.
I went out again, this time I went to the social office and printed out my account statements. I filled out a request for income support, here’s to hoping it will be approved.
I took the bus to Martin Valley and went to the parish. There is some sort of an after- school club for children, they were making lots of noise and screaming and shouting. There was another person who needed help from the parish, she had a dog who gave me doggy kisses and hugs.
I explained the parish worker that I needed support for recharging my gym & swim hall cards at the local municipally owned fitness center. The parish worker told me that I could try this private gym chain named 24Seven, there’s one in Myyr York shopping center. Buying a membership card costs 19,90 euros and the monthly cost is the same amount. I think that’s a very reasonable price. I received a voucher for recharging my swim hall membership card, I will use it tomorrow.
I took the bus to Molehill and went to the shopping center. I was supposed to meet Elyseé and Emjuso and Tintin, they were waiting for me in Corner. We had fun laughing and talking together, we took a few friendship selfies and then we went to a thrift store named Bella’s. I found all kinds of amazing stuff, jewellery like necklaces and earrings, accessories like hair bobbles, clothes like a tank top and pants and a dress. I also found a pair of nifty nail clippers, and a small nail varnish bottle that could make a neat artefact; I don’t use nail varnish. I made a mental note to come back tomorrow to buy them.
We went to my home, had tea that tasted like strawberry smoothie, talked and laughed a lot. Later the day my friends had to leave, I hugged them and told them to take care and that I would see them later.
I had had a good time today, but there was one little downside in it; I became exhilarated to the point to being manic, and I had to take two tranquilizers to calm myself down. They made me feel like I was drowsy on the inside, and nervous and twitchy on the outside.
I felt as if a knife was cutting into me, not exactly stabbing, but cutting. I felt as if my soul had been torn away from my body. OK, now I am being too dramatic. It’s just that I am a very sensitive person.
I wondered if I should go for a walk, but it would have been dangerous because I started feeling moody and frustrated because of the delusions I had, and it would turn out that I would throw a tantrum in a public place far away from my own home and attack someone physically.
I called my mother and asked her if I can come over. She said I could, she was at a library at that moment but my dad would be at home.
I considered riding my bicycle to my parents’ home, but I decided to take the bus. Physical exertion in a public place while being delusional equal big trouble. When I waited for the bus, I kept on pacing rapidly and flailing my arms, like I was fighting an invisible enemy. I kept on re- living a bad memory over and over again like watching a film inside my head, and it kept on warping and distorting.
Nevertheless, I took the bus to Plaster and made it to my parents’ home, dad was there and later mom arrived in unusually high spirits. We talked about things and stuff, I ate some cheesy puffs and green grapes and drank two cups of coffee.
Later the day I took the bus to back Molehill, and went to Myyr York shopping center for some discreet window shopping. I visited Citymarket and noticed a gift bag patterned with wood anemones. It reminded me of Mother’s day; in Finland it is celebrated in May, and that’s when wood anemones start blooming. That’s why the aforementioned flower has become a symbol for Mother’s day, the same that red rose is to Valentine’s day, pumpkin is to Halloween, and holly is to Christmas. I decided to buy the gift bag as soon as possible. Citymarket also sells “World’s Best Mother!” coffee mugs, I have always wanted to buy one for my mother. She could also like a brand of Fazer chocolate named Geisha, which is a chocolate confection filled with nougat.
Once back home, I felt better somehow.
I ordered some stuff from CDON, the book Stargirl for a friend and the CDs Vulnicura by Björk and Scare Force One by Lordi.
Tomorrow I will go to my parents’ home to collect my monthly allowance, I think I will ride my bicycle if the weather is favourable and I feel calm enough. I will go to the nearest Ärrä to recharge my travel card, and then I will go shopping.
Current Mood: cold
Current Music:They Might Be Giants - I've got a fang
As I mentioned in my last entry, I felt better during the night than I did in the afternoon. In the morning I felt even better. Night brings good counsel.
I managed to sleep well, this time I didn’t wake up in the small hours. I didn’t feel like having a wash, I just threw on some clothes (a dress made of black knitted squares and a black shirt with a picture of a heart- shaped daisy chain), took my morning medicine, and then looked at the bus timetables; I was going to visit my mother, she was going to give me the monthly allowance.
Once in a bus stop, a gentle old lady asked me worriedly what happens when you forget your cellphone into the recharger. I thought about it and then reassured her that it won’t harm your cellphone if you forget it for, say, one day. We talked a bit and then our bus arrived.
Once in my parents’ home, my mom told me she hadn’t withdrawn the money yet, I said it’s okay. Dad was fitting on a tuxedo, he told me that he will receive some sort of a medal next week. I was so proud of him, he looked so handsome in his tux!
Later the afternoon mom and asked me to accompany her to the old mall, she was going to withdraw the monthly allowance for me and go grocery shopping. It was really chilly outside, and the sky was enveloped in thick grey clouds. I regretted going out in my kitty hoodie and without gloves; it’s spring, not summer yet even if some days have been really warm.
I noticed that there was a woman about my age, she looked like a regular person but she kept on screaming insults at everyone, such as an old man in a wheelchair and a young woman in hijab. She didn’t physically assault anyone, she just yelled her head off. I was worried that she would yell something at my mother, but she went to the opposite direction than my mother.
I thought that the woman was probably some sort of a poor unfortunate soul; then again, it’s not justified to yell at people like that, but not everything that happens in this world is justified.
This time mom gave me 90 euros. I went to Ärrä to recharge my travel card, and then I walked to the new mini- mall where I bought two bars of Marabou Japp chocolate and two bottles of Frezza Mocca coffee.
I took the bus to Myyrmäki, and went to the stationery shop to buy a birthday card for a friend, and then I went to the flea market named Bella’s to buy a pair of pants (knee- length cotton shorts, peachy pink with mint green details), a tank top (olive green with black polka dots and the word “journey” spelled in cursive with rhinestones), and a pair of hair bobbles (hand- made silk flowers with wooden buttons in the shape of ladybugs).
Once back home, I took a huge dump, put my new belongings to their rightful places, washed a load of laundry, opened the balcony door and kitchen window to let fresh air in, replaced the towels, stripped my bed of sheets, put the blanket and pillow and mattress into the balcony, washed my hair in the wash basin in bathroom, cut my fingernails, popped the pimples on my chin, took the bed linen and towels downstairs to the drying room, ate some chocolate, stuff like that.
Soon it was evening, and I didn’t know what to do. It’s always the wanderlust, the thirst for experiences. If I stay inside my home for many hours without any plans about going outside, I start feeling anxious and nervous. I should learn to feel content in my own home, without the need to go someplace else.
I decided to go out for a little urbane adventure. I took my diary and magic ink pens along and put on my winter coat and a thicker scarf.
I took the bus 560 to Vuosaari, and visited the shopping center. I have been there a couple of times. I had an odd sense of déjà vu when I noticed an old man screaming insults at a salesperson.
I went to Tiger and bought a new diary (white with a big red heart on the cover, and black letters spelling out “I’m a small book with a big heart!”), a pocket- sized box of tissues (pink and white stripes), a bum bag (powder blue with a pattern of strawberries and cherries and white polka dots), and a keepsake box (white with a pattern of pea pods and sweet pea flowers).
I took the subway to Sörnäinen, once there I walked around, relishing my memories; my maternal grandparents used to live there before they died, so you can guess I have spent a lot of time there. I saw lots of amazing shops, but they were all closed for the night. I decided that during summer I am going to visit this small Russian restaurant for a few blinis, and then go to this Jamaican juice bar for a coffee milkshake.
I walked along Hämeentie, all the way to Hakaniemi, and caught the subway to the city center.
I took the bus 421, called my mother on the way and told her I am coming over again to have some coffee with them, and she said it’s okay.
Once in my parents’ home, I created a new Finnish journal; smekkleysa @ blogaaja.fi. When I was leaving, I accidentally broke the zipper of my winter coat. I was too Zen to let it bother me, because now I can start using the ulster again.
I took the bus 565 to Myyrmäki and went back home. I had some chocolate and took photos.
I feel so good right now, but at the same time I have a strange feeling of “If I do this or that, will someone insult me for it?” But I know that it’s just the paranoia that comes as a side effect from having schizophrenia.