May 6th, 2016


(no subject)

Imagination combined with the subconscious mind is really quite something, I had plenty of amazing dreams last night that actually made me think “hey, that’s cool”. Usually I just have pornographic nightmares, or dreams about my loved ones that have passed away. Sometimes I even wake up with tears streaming down my scrunched up face.

My smartphone was recharging on my bedside table. I received a text message, but it was some sort of an advertisement about a discount in IKEA. I deleted it and went back to sleep.

After I was done sleeping, I sat on the edge of my bed for a moment and then I got on my feet. I remembered to take my morning medicine, and I also managed to have a proper wash and dress into clean clothes, I was happy about that.

I felt so peppy that I actually thought about cooking a decent breakfast, but all the proper eating vessels for making oatmeal in the microwave oven were already in the sink, and I didn’t feel like washing them. And besides, I have skipped breakfast every single morning for almost a year now, and I haven’t felt anything except guilty.

Suvicita called me, we agreed that we are going to meet tomorrow and go to Helsinki, Eleclya is coming as well. I asked if I can invite Mirette, they said it’s okay.

I decided to go say hello to my mother, so I had to make a choice between taking the bus or riding my bicycle. The latter would have been good for my physical health, but combined with the fact that I was feeling moody because of my PMS, and that there was a heat wave, it would have been disastrous to my mental health.
Too bad all the buses that go past my parents’ home had already left, and the next ones would leave in 20 – 30 minutes. But I turned it into a victory by visiting the library in order to kill time, and I noticed that the DVD with the special episodes of Doctor Who was ready to be picked up.

I took the bus to my parents’ home and sent my mother a text message, telling them that I was coming over.
Once there, mom went cycling and I stayed, until I decided to go out.

I took a bus to Myyrmäki and went to Citymarket to buy a packet of interdental brushes. Fortunately the packet I bought had extra ten brushes.
During the same visit I also went to the post office and picked up the Skullcandy headphones I had ordered.

Once back home, I rolled up the big carpet and took it to the balcony, wiped the worst stains off my toilet bowl, and took my clothes off the drying rack and folded them and put them into the closet.

I visited Hennes & Mauritz again and bought a pair of sunglasses.

I took a bus to Helsinki and visited Cubus in Forum shopping center, looking for proper underwear. I also visited Aurinko to look for summer clothes, and Marimekko to look for bath towels for my overnight visitors, and ankle socks for myself.

I decided to go visit Kiasma, there were two new exhibitions. I didn’t feel like staying long because I was already feeling tired, and my PMS just made it worse.
I took the train to Vantaa, and went to visit my parents again. Now that I think about it, I actually visit my parents all too often.
It’s just that I have started thinking that if I stay at home, I have already failed at life.
When I lived in the group home, I hadn’t yet gotten used to the symptoms caused by my prescribed medication, and it made me so drowsy that I slept for about 18 hours a day if you include the nightly sleep. I used to think that it’s not fair that the world is beckoning me with all of its amazing wonders, and I just lie flat on my face in my bed all day, marinating in my own depression.
And now, almost a decade later, I feel as if I should stay out of my home all day, seeing all the amazing wonders like walks through forests and visits to the art museums, but enough is enough, I should learn to chill. I should learn to feel good at my own home, and not feel guilty about it.