June 13th, 2016


(no subject)

I had a sleepover at Eleclya’s home during the night between Saturday and Sunday.
I had a dream where I was in a public place, wearing nothing but a brassiere and panties, and I tried to wake myself up so I wouldn’t be further humiliated. It’s always the same when I have a dream about being in a public place naked or in my underwear, I always know it’s a dream and I desperately try to wake myself up.

I got up about at midday, took my morning medicine, took a shower, brushed my teeth, and after Eleclya got up, they made porridge for breakfast. We watched The Simpsons together, and later the day we went out, Eleclya took their dog Hipsu for a walk. We walked to the bus stop where I caught the bus %/! to Myyr York.

Once back home, I took a nap and slept for three and half hours, I guess it was because of the sleep debt because I had stayed awake all the way to midnight.

I decided to go for a walk around the Sheep Lake in Nut Hill. On my way there I ran into Tintin, who had been at my small get- together yesterday. They are a very sweet and kind person, I always enjoy their company.

We sat together on a park bench and talked a lot. They had gone for an evening walk as well.
Later I hugged them and told them to take care, and then I continued walking.
I passed my first high school where I had met Minnie and Elyseé, my brother had also studied there.

I walked about halfway around Sheep Lake, and then I was so tired that I took the bus #!! to Myyr York. Once back home, I knew I had plenty of housework to do, but instead I just had my evening coffee, and then I took my evening medicine, had a wash and put on my jammies.
I was amazed at how it didn’t take me any struggles to have an evening wash, I guess I am getting better at this “adulting” stuff.

I had a dream where I went to Heaven, but I didn’t remember dying in the first place. In the dream I kept on singing the song Mad World from the Donnie Darko soundtrack.

I had slept on the sofa- bed again, because I didn’t feel like making my bed. I got up at one o’clock in the afternoon.

After getting up, I took my morning medicine and dressed into “decent” clothes, because today I would have an appointment at the psychiatric clinic with my nurse and my mother. In today’s case, “decent” meant a pair of simple black trousers and a My Little Pony shirt. I didn’t bother with having a wash.

The appointment was pure hell as usual, I was insulted for my choice of clothing, my mother told me that my father hates my guts, as if I didn’t know it in the first place. When I was a kid, he used to slap me about and yell at me, and I was afraid of him all the time. When most kids are afraid of witches and zombies and monsters, I was afraid of my father.

After the appointment, I had to walk along with my mother because she had to walk- push her bicycle home. Once there, we had coffee and cinnamon rolls, and then we took the bus %/¤ to Jumbo, a shopping center in Vantaa.
Mom bought me a pair of light purple Converse All Star shoes, and two pairs of sensible ankle socks. Then we went to Ciao Coffee, I had an iced coffee frappe and we also shared a cinnamon roll.

We took the bus %/¤ to my parents’ home, I stayed in for coffee and then I walked back to Myyr York, to drive in my new shoes. I had blisters in both of my pinkie toes, but otherwise the shoes were very comfortable, like walking on air or barefoot.

I was supposed to go to the natatorium, but it was already closed. And I had plenty of housework to do; I had to wash two loads of laundry, wash the dishes, take the mattress outside for dusting and make my bed, and I didn’t bother with anything else than washing the laundry just because I wanted to have clean underwear tomorrow.
I am in desperate need of new underwear, I am sick of wearing nothing but sensible black granny panties and sports brassieres. I want to wear something sinful, god damn it!

In the evening when it was bed time, I had a strange sad feeling and started crying my eyes out.
I hate being mentally ill because it makes me feel like I am a sub- human, enslaved by my animalistic instincts. I talk to myself in a public place and walk in a peculiar way, waving my arms and legs about.

And as the cherry on the top of this sundae of misery, I started having suicidal thoughts.
I actually started thinking of a way to end my life; overdosing on my medicine? Hanging myself on a length of rope? Getting hit by a truck?
I recalled the poem I learned from the movie Girl, Interrupted:
“Razors pain you, rivers are damp, acid stains you, drugs cause cramps, guns aren’t lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful, you might as well live."