July 5th, 2016


(no subject)

I didn’t get much sleep during last night, even if I had taken my evening medicine in time. Or actually I had an hour early, because I was feeling manic and moody. I guess it’s my PMS, the symptoms of my schizophrenia always get worse at that time.

I tried to soothe myself by taking a hot shower, and I also dabbed basic lotion on my body.
I have been thinking about giving up those hot showers, they usually make me feel physically worse; if I have drunk lots of coffee, taken a handful of tranquillizers and then take a hot shower, I feel like I am on the verge of a psychosis. And besides, the hot water makes my skin itch to the point of bleeding, and I never feel like putting basic lotion on it.

I went to bed, but I still didn’t get any sleep; I had journal entries I needed to finish, so I had to stay awake for a long time, tapping away on my laptop.

I finally fell into healthy sleep, and woke up at half past six o’clock in the morning (6:28 a.m.). I decided it was too early, so I slept for a couple of more hours.

After finally getting up, I didn’t bother with doing the morning routines. I just took my morning medicine, dabbed some lotion on my chapped lips, dressed up, and went back to bed.

I slept for most of the day, and wondered what exactly was making me so sleepy. I guess it’s the humid weather.

I woke up when my mail slot clattered, I had received three packages! One was the Jerry Spinelli book Hokey Pokey I had ordered from an online shop, another was the three Sherlockets I had ordered from a FaceBook friend to send to two of my Sherlock fangirl friends, and the third was a gift from a Tumblr friend; there was a bunch of stickers and a packet of syrup waffles, and a cute card. I was so happy about everything, it was the highlight of my otherwise boring day.

I immediately ate the waffles, and put some of the stickers on my laptop. I read some of the book I had ordered, it seemed interesting but I didn’t feel like reading it in one sitting because I was rather busy.

I logged in to the online bank service, I have made the decision to do it every day just to see if I have money.
I noticed that I had received 80 euros, which is the weekly amount of money I receive from the social office. I wondered why I had received the money today, when usually I receive it on Wednesday.

I paid for my Netflix account, and then I went to Myyrmanni shopping center to withdraw 70 euros. I decided to go shopping a bit, even if I would be disappointed at my spendthrift ways, but I just needed something to do because I was bored to tears and a bit unhappy.

I took a train to Helsinki, then a subway to Hakaniemi, and noticed that all the shops were closed. I was supposed to visit a shop that sold all kinds of bags and purses and suitcases and wallets, and buy a Hello Kitty backpack.

I took a subway back downtown, and felt a bit downcast.
I thought about how people make fun of people for being suicidal, depressed, traumatized, and so on. I wish people realized that when you are suicidal and depressed, it’s not about being a social justice warrior, having no sense of humor, having that time of the month, being a drama queen, having teenage angst or a white girl crisis, needing to get laid, or being triggered by trivial things.

I took a train to Myyrmäki, and went to the pharmacy to pick up a new batch of Solian medicine, and a bottle of Bemetson cortisone emulsion, and two bottles of Bevita cream.

Once back home, I rubbed the emulsion into my scalp, but most of it got into my hair.

I felt like I should have gone to the shops to buy some milk or some treats to make me feel better, but I was already in my bed wearing my nightie, and besides it was getting late. And besides, I felt so angry and moody and delusional that it would be hazardous to go outside among other people when I felt like that.

In the evening, outside the sun was shining, which doubles the misery considering that it has been rainy and grey and murky all day.

Tomorrow I will have an appointment with a hairdresser in the afternoon, but I cannot afford to buy anything else.

I am just so sick of being so unhappy all the time. Don’t I deserve to be happy?