July 27th, 2016


(no subject)

Geez, what kind of dreams I had last night! My sleeping pattern has changed again; I sleep all the way to the late afternoon and have all kinds of freaky dreams that completely screw up my sense of reality, no matter how entertaining they are.

As I mentioned in my last entry, I had a sleepover at Mirette’s home. I woke up pretty early but I continued sleeping all the way to early afternoon.

Later the day when both me and Mirette were up and awake, I packed my stuff and left.
I took a subway to Crossing and then the bus %&= to Mole Hill.
Once home, I took my morning medicine; mind you, it was about half past three o’clock in the afternoon (3:30 pm) but I was already feelingthe effects of not taking the medicine right after waking up.

I spent most of the afternoon hanging out completely nekked, and feeling bored. I still had plenty of housework to do; clean out the fridge, the smell was getting horrid; hoover the floor, there was dust and sand and little flecks of paper and cardboard all over it; take the trash and recycling out, they were starting to smell; wash the dishes, before the big honkin’ piles of dirty dishes would get more honkin’; take the mattress out and dust it and dress my bed into clean sheets before going to sleep; and lo, I didn’t bother doing any of them.

I took off the clothes I had been wearing for three days straight, along with underwear, and hung around naked.
My doorbell rang, I quickly threw on a bathrobe and went to answer the door. There was a person in worker’s overalls who delivered me three packages I had ordered from an online shop; one was the queen- sized inflatable bed (for my sleepovers; that way I can house two more people in my home, along with two on the sofa- bed), one was the steam cleaner (it kind of looks like an electric mop, it cleanses and disinfects with the power of steam, you won’t need tons of bacteria- infested rag mops or poisonous chemicals) and one was two bar stools (I’m going to ask my older brother to assemble the stools and use them when I need, for example, change a lightbulb or fix the curtains).

Later the day I called my mother and asked hir if zie can give me the weekly allowance today, and also a little extra because I had to pay two bills this week, those that social office won’t pay, and besides, my bank account had gone 20 euros and 99 cents below zero because of the usage fees. It will leave me with less than 20 euros, and that won’t do. Fortunately my darling mother promised to help me out; I felt a bit awkward asking for money, but zie didn’t seem to mind because zie seems to be already used to it.

I put on some fresh clothes, a pink zombie girl shirt and a pair of sleek black trousers, and went to the library to read lesbian comics.
Soon my mother called me and told me to see hir in Myyrmanni shopping center in ten minutes. 
Mom gave me 40 euros, and then we hung around for a moment and walked through the shopping center and talked about this and that, and then zie went home and I went to S- Market. I popped into a book shop on the way and bought a second hand book with coloured pictures of Finnish animals, plants, insects and such. I used to have the exact same book at my own childhood home, I simply loved reading it and learning about Finnish nature; lately I have been longing for the same kind of book. I’m glad I found it.

I went to S- Market in Iso- Myyri shopping center and bought a design carrier bag, with a pattern of blueberries. I am going to use it as a container for my recyclable trash; I have two plastic bins for household waste and biodegradable waste, and three carrier bags for paper, carton, and metal. I use glass products very rarely, so I don’t have a different container for them.
I went to Citymarket in Myyrmanni shopping center and bought another design carrier bag, and two rolls of plastic trash bags with drawstrings. They are very nifty.

I was thinking of buying something else, but I didn’t want to waste my money because I had agreed to go shopping with Mirette tomorrow. Fortunately I still had money left when I came home.

Once back home, I took out the trash and assembled the steam cleaner.

Tomorrow I will receive money, the usual 80 euros. I have to pay the monthly membership payment for the gym (about 20 euros), and a partial payment for the stuff I have ordered online (about 25 euros), and like I mentioned, my bank account is 21 euros below zero. That leaves me with about 14 euros.
Here’s to hoping that my social worker will fuck up again and pay me more than a hundred euros. That way I can pay the bills, stock up my kitchen, and go shopping with my friends.

It’s getting late, the clock is half past nine o’clock in the evening. I should go to bed soon.
I should take the mattress out and dust it before making my bed, but it’s getting too late and I don’t want to disturb my neighbours’ tranquil summer evening.
My sofa- bed is cluttered with stuff, I could easily take them off and put them to their proper places and make my bed there.
I have been thinking of sleeping on the sofa- bed till I return from my grandmother’s on the first Saturday of August; it’s going to be one of those sheet- changing weekends anyway, I change them between two weeks.
I feel crummy if I haven’t done the weekly housework by Tuesday. I also feel crummy about the fact that the Late Winds youth group has been cancelled till autumn; I forgot my scarf to their office, and I won’t be able to pick it up until then. It’s really quite annoying that all the hobby groups and hang- outs are closed during summer, that’s when young people would have the time to go there.

While writing this, I managed to take my evening medicine, and take off my trousers. Right now I am waiting for my medication to kick in, eating my favourite chocolate and scratching my nose because it itches like hell.

If I had to write down how I feel right now, I feel very vulnerable and paranoid, like I could hear every single person in this world think bad thoughts about me.
I wonder why I care so much about what bad things people might think about me; as long as they keep the thoughts in their heads, they won’t hurt me. But I guess it’s just the chemical imbalance of my brains that causes my depression and anxiety.

(no subject)

Just before I woke up, I had a dream where I was in a beauty salon and treated myself with shea butter on my skin and hair serum in my hair.
I also had another dream about the summer cottage; right after the dream unfolded, I realized I was dreaming and called out to my parents; “You are here as well, because I dreamed you here!”
Another dream was pretty much like the relationship between River Song and Doctor Who; their timelines were crossing each other at random points, what was the first kiss for Doctor was the last one for River.
In the dream I was some sort of a female cyber- technic soldier, who met an intergalactic bounty hunter who was much like the humanized version of Lockdown from the cartoon Transformers: Animated and the DC Comics character Lobo. I recognized him immediately, telling him we were actually married, but he didn’t recognize me at first. Soon he warmed up to me and told me “You’re a pretty gal but I wouldn’t kiss you”, and I answered with a smirk “That’s not what you told me when you kissed me”.
When I woke up, I wondered why the last dream wasn’t as goofy and absurd as my dreams usually are. Then I wondered if there was some shea butter somewhere in the bathroom cabinet.

I got up early because I was feeling uncomfortable, it was still early but I simply didn’t feel like sleeping anymore. It seems as if my sleeping pattern has returned to “normal”. Or in this case it was because I would receive money today.
Right after taking my morning medicine, I logged in to my online bank account. Nope, I had received only the usual 80 euros, after paying the usage fees and bills, I was left with about 14 euros. Well, it’s better than nothing.
Sometimes, but only sometimes, I think I should give up my spendthrift ways and instead buy groceries. But then again, I already eat very little because of my extremely poor appetite, and I never feel like eating regular food like fruits and vegetables and sandwiches or regular meals.
Well, at least I save plenty of money considering how expensive healthy non- organic food is these days.

Now that I was awake early, I took a shower and brushed my teeth. I tried to do some simple stretches and exercises, but my delusions started acting up and I decided to give up, and by then I decided to go to the mall for some iced coffee.

Today I bought the following things; a silver- plated finger ring with a real piece of iridescent seashell on it, from Gina Tricot; a pair of purple and white Hello Kitty bangles, and a dark pink heart- shaped mirror with a handle and a picture of Little Myy, from Tokmanni; birthday cards for Emjuso, Mirette, Suomi and Weird Sister, from the stationery shop.

Once back home, I called my mother and asked hir if it’s okay that I come over. Zie said it was safe because my father had gone to work.

I walked to Troll Mountain, mom was home. Zie made me coffee, I helped hir do housework, and asked hir if zie can buy me a sports bra and a few pairs of socks. Zie told me we can go to the mall right away.

While walking to Mole Hill, mom told me zie is going to give me 20 euros on Friday. I asked if zie remembers that zie gave me 40 euros on Tuesday; zie asked about if I actually needed more money on Friday, I had to lie and tell hir that everything was okay and I didn’t need more money.
I know it was a blatant lie, I am constantly in a desperate need of more money but my mother would only chide me for not taking better care of my own finances.

We went to the mall, where mom bought me a simple black sports bra from Cubus, and then we went to Citymarket where zie bought me a package of three pairs of white cotton tube socks. I hate those kind of socks, they’re too plain and besides after seeing all kinds of weird stuff on the internet, I have some painful associations with them. And they weren’t proper sports socks anyway, but I couldn’t bring myself to decline because I was afraid of my mother getting mad and yelling at me.

I went to the library to read comic books where a couple of Finnish lesbians complained about their emotional issues with their mothers. I realized I have those issues as well.

I had received a notification about two packages in the mail; there was the tiny Disney Princess Tiana figurine, the limited edition Deadpool DVD in a metal case, and the two Scholl foot files, one for me and one for Mirette’s birthday gift. I am going to buy hir a housewarming gift as well.

Once back home, I tried to watch the aforementioned DVD but it didn’t work. I used the foot file to file my feet, and it actually worked.
I talked with my best friend Suavecita on the phone. Meanwhile, I found a sheet of ten first class postage stamps from my writing desk drawer, what a stroke of luck!
I wrapped up the present for Mirette, and then I set to work on the greeting cards; I wrote the sender’s address and the receiver’s address and my greetings on each of the cards, and put some pretty stickers on them.

I wish I could learn to stand up for myself and speak my mind, but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I have caused enough hurt for a lifetime, no matter how polite and kind and respectful I thrive to be.
As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.