November 20th, 2016


A bloo bloo bloo

I have been feeling a bit down in the dumps for the past few days. On Friday morning I forgot to take my morning medicine, and it affected my mental health a lot.
I didn’t simply decide not to take them, I had simply forgotten to take them. Sometimes I forget to take my evening medicine, and it doesn’t affect my health in any other way than I simply don’t get any sleep. When I forget to take my morning medicine, I feel bad for days to come.

I went to see my parents like every Friday, they were both in a good mood and my dad gave me a box full of coins; fifty cents, twenty cents, ten cents, five cents, and some Estonian one and two cents. He told me I can spend them on whatever I want.

I walked back home, because I enjoyed the weather. Here in the metropolitan area, all the snow has melted away, which amazes me; the snow melted away as quickly as it came.

I went to the stationery shop in the shopping mall and bought two notebooks and two magic ink pens.

Once back home, I felt truly awful and cried. I tried to call some helplines, but they didn’t help me; no one answered at the church helpline, and when I called the national crisis hotline, I had to wait in a queue for fifteen minutes and then someone male answered.

I took my evening medicine and went to sleep on the sofa- bed, because I had left my pillow, blanket, and mattress in the balcony for the night to get them refreshed, like every Friday.

I woke up about at three o’clock in the afternoon, got up, took my morning medicine and dressed up.

I was thinking of going for a walk, the weather was lovely. But then again, I didn’t feel like wasting my time on getting low blood sugar or a psychosis while being miles away from my home, and besides I still had to finish housework.

I have realized that I haven’t gone for walks and bike rides for months now, because I only have so many waking hours during daytime, I already have other stuff to do, and besides, my physical condition has deteriorated so much that I don’t feel like exercising. I can’t even remember when is the last time when I went to the gym or natatorium.

I still had plenty of housework to do, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I understand that you have to show yourself mercy when you have low energy, but then again, I have skipped housework for about four weeks by now.

I had taken some tranquillizers, they didn’t help calming me down but after a few hours I became so sleepy that I slept from five o’clock in the evening all the way to midnight, and got up to take my evening medicine and go to sleep on the sofa- bed.

I got up about at noon on Sunday, and felt like I was getting the flu; my throat was sore and my nose run like a tap.
I took my morning medicine and went to meet my parents, I didn’t even change my clothes or have a wash.

I ate lunch with my parents and drank coffee, and walked back home.

I washed three loads of laundry and took a shower, and changed into clean clothes. I felt immediately better.

I went to the shopping mall to swoon at the Christmas stuff, and wondered how I was going to make my money stretch to purchasing a new winter coat and gloves and going to the hairdresser and manicurist, and buying presents and wrapping paper and string and gift tags and Christmas cards, let alone presents?

Later the day I was feeling so depressed that I did the thing millennials often do; I called my mother and asked her if I can come over, she said she was at the nearest supermarket and told me that I can come over to see her.
She bought me two bottles of iced coffee, it was Frezza Latte instead of Mocca and tasted a bit bland, but I enjoyed the treat anyway. It’s the thought that counts, and I really enjoyed spending time with my mother.

We checked out a few shops, talked about stuff, and then she left.
I went back home and managed to take out the recycling (household waste, biological waste, metal, paper, and carton), scrub the bathroom (clean up the wash basin, toilet bowl, and mop the floor and walls), swab the nightstand and writing desk, and take the pillow, blanket, and mattress from the balcony, fluff up the pillow and blanket and hoover the mattress and bed, and before I go to bed I will dress my bed in clean linen.

Tomorrow I won’t have anything special to do, meaning that I won’t have any special appointments or hobby groups. I will go to Amos Anderson art museum, then to Girls’ House. And I also have to finish the rest of the housework; hoover and mop the floor, including from under the furniture, and swab the kitchen counter.
Seriously, is that all I need to do? I had the kind of mental image that I still had about 75 percent of housework left. I am actually amazed that I managed to do so much during the weekend, no matter how shitty I felt.
Before Christmas I am going to tidy up my apartment from floor to ceiling, go through every nook with a fine- tooth comb, including the cupboards and closets.

My plans Monday, November 21st - Sunday, November 28th

Monday, November 21st:
I will finish the housework I didn’t do last weekend.
I will go to Amos Anderson art museum, and then to Girls’ House.

Tuesday, November 22nd:
I will receive the monthly allowance.
I will pay 25 US dollars to my artist friend Luisa for a commission, and as for the rest of the money, I will buy a winter coat, a new pair of gloves, and some Christmas stuff.
If I have enough time, I will go to the hobby group in the evening, and visit my mother who will give me the weekly allowance.

Wednesday, November 23rd:
I will go to a beautician in Helsinki to have a manicure.
After that, I will go to the Mental Health fair.
I will pay another 25 US dollars to the artist friend I mentioned, and then I will buy the weekly amount of groceries.

Thursday, November 24th:
I will go to Lapland Spring and then to Girls’ House.

Friday, November 25th:
I will do housework, and visit my mother. I might go to Pearl, another hang- out place for mentally ill people.

Saturday, November 26th:
I will continue doing housework.

Sunday, November 27th:
I will go see my parents.