May 31st, 2017


This life shit is hard.

I have felt quite depressed and anxious this week so far, even if nothing bad has happened. Fortunately, it has made me realize that I should start taking better care of the most important building blocks of life, such as nutrition and exercise and sleep and hygiene.
Of course, taking anti- depressants has helped me a lot, I am not one of those people who believe that green tea, yoga, colouring books or stuff like that zaps your depression away.
Well sure, those things are a fine way to spend an afternoon, but they won’t cure a serious illness. And popping pills is not going to help me if I stay awake all night drinking coffee, and sleep all day, no matter how pleasant it might feel.
I had another epiphany today when I realized that getting better when you suffer from a severe mental illness is a life- long operation. When I was a teenager, I used to believe that someday I will “see the light” and then everything will be peaches and cream. Now I have realized that no matter how good I feel, I will continue having delusions every day, and perhaps someday I will relapse. But then again, I can always learn to dance in the rain instead of waiting for the sun to come out.

I proofread my writing and realized that I have already seen the light; I have felt so optimistic and positive for about two years now.

All the good things

I had to get up very early this morning, because I had an appointment at the psychiatric center as early as ten o’clock in the morning. My nurse knows that getting up early in the morning is hard for me (because I enjoy sleeping in, not because of my exhausting medication), but there weren’t any other free appointments.

I was already awake at the small hours, but when my smartphone alarm rang at nine o’clock, I turned it off and slept in.
I felt a bit peculiar. I didn’t feel like sleeping, didn’t feel like getting up, I just lied in my bed, eyes wide open, arms twisted in a weird way.
Soon I got up and took my morning medicine, and put on a pair of sleek black trousers and a striped shirt.

It was a bit chilly and rainy outside. I went to the psychiatric center where I met my nurse and the doctor.
I tried to be as reasonable and respectful as I usually am, but when I was criticized for having a short attention span and poor memory and being fidgety and having a muddled daily routine, I started feeling frustrated.
I feel like all these inkblot tests and stuff paint a picture of myself; worthless scum that should be disciplined, punished, cleaned, found a job for.

I went to the grocery shop and bought two healthy smoothies, and went back home.
I had a proper wash and ate oatmeal porridge for breakfast.

I decided to go to the Pearl House in Heart Cape. I took a train to Helsinki, then a subway to Heart Cape, and went to the Pearl House.
Once there, I was happy to learn that today there would be a party where the members of the writing group read their own poetry. There was plenty of coffee and cakes galore.
The poems they had written amazed me, they were true professionals! One cute goth girl read a poem that reminded me of the game Undertale, and one read a summery poem about a baby bird leaving its nest, and another read a novel about a sentient hat that wanted to marry another hat.

I left the house in high spirits. I took a bus to Pole City, then a tram to the city center, and went to visit Kiasma, the contemporary art museum.

I went to the nearest supermarket to buy two boxes of oatmeal flakes with sunflower-, pumpkin- and linen seeds. Very healthy.

I took a train back home, once there I went to the storage room downstairs to re- arrange my stuff, throw away my old printer/scanner, and look through my exquisite collection of hardcover Geepap diaries and find the ones that don’t have those nifty black-on-white lines to help with the writing. I found only one.

I decided to start a new diary. The hardcover Geepap didn’t have the lines, and the paper became furry and grubby when I erased my writing. I had another aesthetically pleasing diary, but it was very impractical. I started a new one with pink and baby blue pages with a cloud motif, because it fits my summery mood very well.

I went back home and spent the evening doing the usual things; playing Pokemon online, knitting, drinking coffee, stuff like that.

Tomorrow I have to do some errands; take a bill to the social office, return a few books and DVDs to the library, take out the recycling, and then go to Lapland Spring.