July 26th, 2017


Pollyanna principle

I had some very intense dreams, not exactly nightmares but some of them were really sad.

I got up about at eleven o'clock in the morning, and didn't bother with having a wash or eating a decent breakfast. I just took my morning medicine and dressed up.

I went to see my parents, my mother was going to give me the rest of the monthly allowance.

I took a bus to my parents' home, I didn't have enough spoons for walking or cycling.

Once at my parents' home, mom and dad were both home.
Mom gave me 40 euros, I drank coffee and ate a cinnamon roll.

Later the day I walked to the station and took a train home. The train station had been painted over with lovely street art, I felt very happy about it.

I went to the supermarket to buy groceries, it took a big bite out of my cash.
I went back home and felt very unhappy. I put everything to their rightful places and did some housework. I was glad to notice that I still had a full unopened packet of household paper in the downstairs storage room, I thought I had run out of it.
I just walked around in my apartment, dusting and re- arranging my stuff.

Later the afternoon I called my mother and asked her if I can come over again. She said it's alright. I wanted to go visit my parents' again because I desperately needed some cheering up. My parents' home, which is also my "teenager" home, has become one of my safe spaces.

This time I rode my bicycle there. I didn't feel as ecstatic as I usually feel when riding my bicycle, but at least I didn't feel bad.

Once back at my parents' home, I felt slightly better but I still felt unhappy. I wrote my thoughts into my diary, and later the day I rode my bicycle back home, and by then my sadness turned into anger.
I felt absolutely furious, and I had to take my evening medicine an hour early.

I called Soybean, and had a nice talk with her. Soon I felt better, and even laughed a bit.

I realised that I have been pretending for a long time that I am happier and stronger than I actually am. I have been trying to keep up this facade, and now it came crashing down on reality.
At least it taught me to be honest to myself, and not to pretend that I am something I am not.

I should also learn to take better care of myself, eat regular healthy meals, take care of my personal hygiene, and exercise as often as I can.