September 5th, 2017


Last week's update

I haven’t been able to update for a while, because I cannot use the internet at my home and I also couldn’t use the Microsoft Word template. I managed to connect to the Internet at my parents’ home, and renew my Microsoft Word subscription online.

On Monday, I went to Pearl House, and then I went to the movies to see Spider- Man: Homecoming.

On Tuesday, I went to visit Pearl House again, I met my friend Tiinu there. Then I went to see my friend Mella, she gave me a potted yellow chrysanthemum and then we went to visit my home for a little coffee and chitchat.
Later the day I rode my bicycle to Late Winds, perhaps I rode a bit too fast because I was completely out of breath and started thinking angry thoughts. But once I was at Late Winds, I felt my cheeks glowing.
In the group, we played songs and rated them. I picked Life on Mars by David Bowie and The Beer by Kimya Dawson.

On Wednesday, I slept late into the afternoon. I received two tiny packages in the mail, it was the jewellery I had ordered from; I had ordered two pendant necklaces, but received three. One of them was a tiny silver- plated hand grenade with an orange- yellow glass jewel, it symbolized the Overwatch character Junkrat. The second was a piece of green glass found from an ocean, the waves had made it all smooth. The extra necklace was found from the same package as the latter one, it was an oak leaf made from iron. It reminded me of the elves from Tolkien’s books.
I called my friend Suavecita, we agreed to go see the movie Annabella – Creation next week.
I decided to go geocaching; I walked around the neighborhood, trying to find “Bunny’s Treasure Box” but couldn’t. Later I learned that it was set in the year 2007, a decade ago when I was treated in Clock River mental hospital.
I gave up and went to visit my mother. We had coffee and buns.

On Thursday, I went to visit Lapland Spring, my friend Mella was there.
After leaving, I went to the Museum of Natural Science and admired the woolly mammoth baby.
After that, I travelled back to Hometown and went to a library.
In the evening, I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for an hour.

Last night I had another dream about the summer cottage.
I got up at ten o’clock, took my morning medicine and drank the first coffee of the morning. Then I had a wash, dressed up and put on a necklace, cooked a bowlful of oatmeal porridge and did the muscle exercises.
I did the usual every- Friday housework; bagged the trash, took the sheets off my bed and replaced the towels and washed them in the laundry.

I was wondering where my HoivaOnni worker was, because she was supposed to visit at half past noon. I called her, she said that she was supposed to visit at half past two o’clock, so I guess I got the time wrong.

I decided to go visit my mother, now that I had the time.
I called her and asked her if it’s okay that I come over, she said it’s alright.

I travelled to my parents’ home instead of riding a bicycle or walking. I took my laptop along, so I could use their Internet connection to re- connect my Microsoft Word, so I could start writing again. I was born to write.

Once at my parents’ home, I decided not to make coffee, I just wrote my blog and ate a bag of salmiakki- flavoured chocolate waffle bites.

Mom was tidying up the bathroom, she also gave me a tenner. Later I packed up and we left at the same time, we travelled to the shopping mall where she gave me another 20 euros.

I travelled back home and went to the supermarket to buy myself a bag of those salmiakki- chocolate waffle bites I had had at my parents’ home.

Once back home, my HoivaOnni worker was already waiting for me. I let her in, and ate a whole bag of the waffle bites.

I started feeling weird, like I wanted to do something special but I wasn’t satisfied with the choices I had.

We agreed to have a new appointment next Friday at one o’clock in the afternoon.

We left at the same time, I travelled to Helsinki and visited the National Museum.
I also went to the contemporary art museum.

I travelled back to Hometown and went to the supermarket to buy food.
I bought microwaveable meals for lunch and microwaveable soups for dinner, and some fruits and vegetables, and milk and bread.

Once back home, I was completely tired and exhausted and my muscles felt even more stiff and achy than yesterday after walking on the treadmill for an hour. I decided not to go to the gym again.

I decided to spend the evening writing my blog and diary, watching Doctor Who episodes, and fiddling on my smartphone.

I'm worried :o

Yesterday I slept all the way to six o’clock in the evening, simply because I didn’t have milk for my coffee, and besides, I didn’t have anything special to do anyway until evening when I went to visit my mother.
It’s kind of worrisome when you think about it, that I would rather sleep all day because I don’t think my life is interesting enough, or because I don’t think I can face another day. Or simply because I cannot have coffee.
I heard disco music through my heavy sleep, I guess it’s because there is a park nearby where teenagers blast music. Sometimes I get worried about them, are they having a bad time at home with their parents since they want to stay out late, or are their parents drunk or stoned to not to care of them?

I got up in the evening, took my morning medicine, freshened up and threw on some clothes. I called my mother and asked her if I can come over to pick up the weekly allowance, she said it’s alright.
I travelled to my parents’ home, both mom and dad were there. Mom gave me 80 euros, I drank a cup of coffee, and then I left.

I took a bus back to Hometown, and then I went grocery shopping. I decided to buy only half of the necessary groceries because I wasn’t strong enough to carry a week’s worth of groceries and I didn’t have enough carrier bags anyway, and I wouldn’t eat that much for the rest of the day, and I would receive more money tomorrow so I could buy the rest of the groceries.
I bought avocadoes, apples, tomatoes, and I could have bought kiwifruits but the supermarket didn’t seem to have them in their selection. I also bought vitaminized milk, two packages of nutrient- rich margarine, two boxes of coffee grounds, and two four- packages of these shots that are made of mashed fruits and vegetables, they are kind of supplements for your daily veg & fruit intake. I am going to drink one per day.
I also bought four gifts for Zoya, one from the supermarket and three from Hennes & Mauritz, I am sending her a very big and cute Halloween gift package.

Once back home, I put everything to their rightful places, and decided to go for a walk in the forest next to my home. I had a good time, I should go for walks more often.
I have noticed that the colder the air, the fresher it smells. Autumn is coming, and nature looks ever so beautiful on her dying breath.
Once back home, I didn’t bother with having a wash, I just took my meds and went to bed.

I had weird dreams last night. I got up at eleven o’clock, took my morning medicine and drank the first coffee.
I took a shower and cleaned my teeth, and felt very fresh and good.
I logged in to my online bank account, and noticed that I had finally received money from the social office. I ordered a new necklace from Etsy, a pink glittery transparent heart.

Me and my friend Mella had agreed to meet at one o’clock in the afternoon in the Pearl House at Pole City, I was glad that I was awake early enough.
I arrived a bit early, Mella was already there. We drank coffee and talked a bit, and I updated my blogs on the common computer.

Later the day I started thinking about what I should do for the rest of the day. I decided to leave and travelled to the city center, and bought a new dress that was in discount at Indian Bazaar. I have had my eye on that dress for a long time; it’s lovely bubblegum pink with colorful flowery embroideries at the neckline and the hemline.

I travelled back home, made some coffee, and started feeling as if I was misplaced between my past and future. It’s like that Sylvia Plath story about sitting in a fig tree; all the figs represented choices that I could make, and they were equally wonderful, but if I chose one, I would lose the others. I never knew that everyday choices would be that dramatic.

I decided not to go to Late Winds today, instead I washed a load of laundry, and then I went to the gym. I should catch up on household activities, and I also need to buy more nightshirts.

First I went to the stationery shop to buy this month’s birthday and name- day cards, and a new notebook. It’s one of those small and thick ones.
I walked on the treadmill for exactly an hour while watching the BBC Sherlock episode The Lying Detective on my Netflix app.

I popped to the library on my way home, and picked up some DVDs

Once back home, I started working on the greeting cards; I wrote the sender’s and receiver’s address, greetings and signatures, and waited for the ink to dry out so I could put postage stamps and also some cute stickers on them.

A little before nine o’clock in the evening I felt like I could have brushed my teeth and had a wash, but decided to wait until it’s nine o’clock and I can take my evening medicine and have a wash.
I wonder why I can take my morning medicine at whatever time after getting up from the bed, but I always take my evening medicine at nine o’clock sharp.
And of course, I didn’t bother with the evening routines, I just took my medicine and went to bed.

I felt really bad, and I didn’t understand why. I seemed calm on the outside, and on the inside I felt like I was having a full- blown panic attack. Do I drink too much coffee? Is it because of my blood sugar, thyroid gland, nutrition, or do I exercise too little? I wish there was a simple solution that could be fixed.
I know that life isn’t supposed to be hundred percent happy all the time, but I am just so sick and tired of feeling depressed and anxious most of the time.

I have a weird feeling in my throat, it hurts every time I swallow. It feels like the muscles on the front of my throat are achy and stiff, it doesn’t feel like it’s infected or anything like that.

I have gotten a dash of acne again, mainly whiteheads on my jawline and earlobes and neck. I know they will disappear as soon as they have appeared.
I also have a shit ton of blackheads on my bosom, on every pore there is a blackhead.

Tomorrow I will go to the gym to work out, after that I will go to a knitting group in a library in Helsinki.