8th October 2018


Sauna would be nice

Last night I felt a bit unhappy and chilly. A visit to the sauna would have cheered me up.
I had nice dreams, nonetheless.
When it was nine o’clock in the morning, granny asked me if I was going to get up at all. I got up with a groan and went to the breakfast table in my nighties. I ate two Karelian pies and drank a cup of coffee. I didn’t bother with having a wash or brushing my teeth, I just got dressed.

I went to the library and borrowed four books; two of them I had already read from cover to cover, and the rest I had read tentatively. I wish I could read something I have never read before, but I have a hard time trying to concentrate.

I went for a walk with granny. I tried to walk as slowly as her, because she is old and her legs don’t work as well as mine. I tried to concentrate on the beautiful landscapes, and to forget my worries.

Once back at granny’s home, we had afternoon coffee with apple pie.

After that, we watched TV, I did some stretches and exercises such as jumping jacks to make my blood flow and heart beat faster. It gave me such a good feeling, I should exercise more often.

I watched a bit of Sierra Burgess is a Loser on Netflix, I still don’t have enough spoons to watch it all the way from beginning to end. It’s just that it reminds me of my time in grade school, about all the bullying and loneliness and trying to earn top grades to avoid being slapped about by my dad, and how all the cool kids made fun of me.

I helped granny cook dinner. I noticed that I am always very clumsy when I try to work in the kitchen, but fortunately granny never blows her fuse or isn’t the slightest bit of angry at me.

Granny gave me some of her old trinkets; a flying dove made of clay, two vases, and a 1970’s wooden bowl from Russia. I was very grateful for them.

I know that sooner or later granny is going to die, so I better enjoy these days as well as I can.

I was reading the book The growing pains of Adrian Mole, and I just reached the part where Adrian celebrates Christmas. It made me think of the Christmas this year, and my 30th birthday. My mother told me a few months ago that we are not going to have the usual family Christmas party, considering how bleak Christmas feels now that both me and my brother have grown up. And sadly, I have to agree with her.

In the evening, I started feeling cold and unhappy. Just the idea that I have to brush my teeth this evening made me feel powerless, but when I actually brushed my teeth right after taking my evening medicine, it didn’t feel like anything at all. At least I know now that my teeth won’t rot out of my mouth.

Tomorrow I am going to visit the local art museum, and this time I am going to stay as long as I can if I am not rattled by my anxiety.