October 3rd, 2019


A meh day.

Last night I had horrid nightmares; in one of them, I had died and if I wanted to go to Heaven, I had to walk through my own personal Hell that was made of things I am afraid the most. Incidentally, they were pictures of horror movie monsters, not real- life scenarios that cause me the most anxiety.
it made me so unhappy that I didn’t feel like getting up this morning. I slept till half past three o’clock in the afternoon, got up, took my morning medicine and biotin supplements, and got dressed.

I went to the supermarket and bought a big bar of my favorite chocolate. I started eating it as soon as I had paid for it, and then I went back home, muttering angrily to myself.
I felt better when I ran into Laufey who was on her way home from work. We talked a bit and hugged each other, and then we went out own respective ways.

Once back home, I made some cocoa. Later that day I went to the library for the charitable business, then for a long walk all the way past my parents’ house and through the area where my first high school (I dropped out of that high school when I was taken into the psychiatric ward in 2006, and in 2008 I started in another high school but soon dropped out as well, and went to a night school instead) building used to reside, but it has been demolished by now because of the mold. Here’s the thing about modern Finnish architecture; there are plenty of buildings that have a mold problem. My last apartment was so moldy that I had the flu every month.

I felt actually happy, even if the delusions were still bothering me. I was happy to see all the gorgeous autumn colors.

I didn’t feel like walking anymore, so I took a bus to my hometown and went to the church, there was the youth group today. I had a good time there, ate plenty of treats and joked with the others.
I also did a good thing today; I found a fiver on the floor by the doors, and instead of pocketing it, I asked the youth worker if someone has dropped it, and she gave it to a boy who had walked through the door a few seconds ago and said that it must have dropped from his pocket.

I went back home. I took a very impressive dump, called my mother, and made some cocoa.
In the evening I took my meds and brushed my teeth and sprayed Nasonex into both of my nostrils.

I feel a bit bloated right now, which I guess comes in natural after eating chocolate, cheesy puffs, and salted peanuts all day. I feel it mostly around my stomach and face.
I should start exercising more in order to fight my depression and anxiety and to keep my body healthy, but I don’t have enough time.

Tomorrow I will receive the weekly allowance from my guardian of interest; I will order omnibus tickets to my granny’s hometown and back, and also pay the monthly membership fee to the physiotherapist company.
I will take a shower and wash my hair and do the twelve- step Korean skincare regiment. I will pack my stuff; I will only take spare clothes, my toothbrush and my laptop into the suitcase, and as for the medicine, nutritional supplements, smartphone, charger, and diary, I already keep them in my backpack.
After leaving, I will buy two bagels and a bottle of orange juice as sustenance. I will meet Mirette at the local Starbucks, she will keep me company while I wait for the omnibus. The bus trip takes about two hours.

On Saturday, I will go for a long walk in the neighborhood and visit the library and museum. In the afternoon, I will go to the sauna with granny.

On Sunday, I will return home. My bus leaves at ten past four o’clock in the afternoon.
Once back home, I will unpack my suitcase and wash laundry; I also have to buy a new toothbrush, toothpaste, knitting yarn, and biotin supplements.