January 16th, 2020


Oh doctor, where art thou?

Last night I had a dream where I died of leukemia when I was a toddler; I spent my last night sleeping between my parents on their bed and come morning I was dead.
In another dream, I was the age I am now, and I was carrying my dead toddler form on my arms. I was wearing a pink frilly dress and a straw hat and white lace gloves, and I was looking for a resting place where I could bury myself.

In another dream, an attention- starved kitty cat hung onto me with her nails, and I tried to shake her off because I am allergic to cats.

I woke up early and continued sleeping. I slept past the writing group and the hobby group and got up at half past three o’clock in the afternoon. I took my morning medicine and biotin supplement, got dressed, and put some cream on my face.

I took a train and then a bus downtown and went to Twinkle café. There was Mirette, Mella, Raija, Angie and her dog.
I ate cookies and sandwiches and drank cocoa.

Later that day I walked to the train station and took a train to my parents’ hometown. I went walkabout in the neighborhood where I grew up, wondering how modern the place has become. I walked around so much because I should exercise more often.

I went to see my parents. My mother answered the door, and my father was also home. Mom gave me the weekly allowance.
I ate a tomato and drank coffee and orange juice.

Later that day I caught a bus back home and went to an ATM machine to deposit the allowance to my bank account so I could pay for my Netflix subscription.

I went back home, took my evening medicine and sprayed Nasonex into my nostrils.

My mood started getting worse; I started punching myself and arguing with the voices to the point where I was screaming my head off. I tried calling the national crisis helpline, but no one answered. I called the health service, and I was told I called the wrong one because this was the one from downtown instead of the one in my hometown. I called the social worker helpline, and I was told to call an ambulance.

I called an ambulance. It took about an hour and half to arrive, they asked some questions, and took me to the hospital. I talked with a nurse, and then I was supposed to sit in the waiting room until the doctor was supposed to interview me.

There was a drunken man who had slit his wrists. I gave him his jacket when he accidentally left it on the couch and talked to his girlfriend about manicures.

My mood started getting better and calmer now that I had taken an Oxamin tablet, and soon the delusions stopped bothering me. Come morning, I took a bus back home and I was happy that today I would be awake early.

Once back home, I had a horrid need to pee. I took my morning medicine and biotin supplement, made oatmeal porridge for breakfast, and put basic lotion on my body.
I brushed my teeth and did the skincare routine. I got dressed into clean clothes.
I went downstairs to the drying room and fetched my laundry.

I took a long nap to sleep off my sleep debt. I got up at five o’clock in the evening, and it took me a while of coaxing and convincing to get up.

I had missed plenty of errands I was supposed to run today; I was supposed to mail a few greeting cards, renew a prescription, visit the library, recharge my travel card, and go to the knitting group in a library.

I had received money today. I went to the shopping mall and recharged my travel card and used the rest of the money to buy treats. Now I regret it, I didn’t even feel like eating those treats so why did I buy them?

I went back home and made coffee. I watched Keeping up Appearances on DailyMotion, The Good Place and Riverdale on Netflix, and Carrie: The Musical on YouTube.

In the evening I started having the furious anxiety again; I took two Oxamin tablets, and now I am waiting for them to affect me. I felt like I was back in junior high, and all my classmates were making fun of me. I don’t understand why, but then again, my mental troubles and bad memories are something I cannot control.

Now I feel fine, but I also feel like I should already be asleep. But I cannot sleep because I don’t feel like sleeping.

Once it is a proper time to get up, I will take a shower and wash my hair, mail a few greeting cards, visit the library for the charitable purposes and for the knitting group, visit the psychiatric center to renew my anti- psychotic medicine prescription, visit the pharmacy to pick up more medicine, and then I will go to the youth group at the local church. I might also go visit a couple of museums.

On Friday, I will receive the weekly allowance. I will buy another batch of biotin supplement from the health shop, second- hand duvet covers from a thrift store, clothes from a shop that will be closing soon, and in the evening, I will go to movies to see the musical Cats.

On Saturday, me and my friends will go see another friend in the hospital where I went today, and in the evening, we will go to a free concert; one of our favorite bands, The Shrieks, will be playing there.

On Sunday, I will go see my parents. I will go to the library, and then I will walk to my parents’ home and back. My father will give me the weekly allowance, and I will call my granny.

Carrie is the love I was betrayed for

I stayed awake all night because, well, I simply didn’t feel like sleeping. I knew I had to sleep, but I simply wasn’t interested in it.
Of course, I could have turned off the lights, gone to bed, pulled the covers up to my chin, lied my head on the pillow, cuddled with my teddy bear, and thought about all the things that the Ramones used to sing about, and soon I would have fallen fast asleep.

Anyway, in the morning I took my medicine and biotin supplement, put lotion on my skin, got dressed, and brushed my teeth.

I spent the morning watching video clips of Stephen King’s Carrie movies and musical.

Later that day, I went to parish and got a coupon for food. Then I went to the pharmacy and got a new batch of prescribed medicine, and then I went to the psychiatric center to have my anti- psychotic medicine prescription renewed; I could have renewed it online, but as it is a special permission prescription, it has to be renewed in paper form. Then I went to the grocery shop and bought healthy food.

Once back home, I made cocoa and ate a little snack, and soon I started feeling sick and threw up.

I took a nap to sleep off all the sleep debt. When I woke up, I had a weird sort of pressure- like painful feeling in my head. I watched a bit of Keeping up Appearances, and then I took another nap.

I had missed the knitting group, but now I had enough spoons to go to the youth group at the church.

Once there, I ate plenty of treats; popcorn, licorice, cashew nuts, chili nuts, and drank lime- strawberry juice. I took part in the praying circle; we watched a YouTube video about a Finnish saint who died as a martyr, we sang hymns, discussed the importance of good deeds, hugged and blessed each other.

After the group, I took some discarded trolleys to the supermarket, and looked for Valentine’s day cards. I have already picked the design from the cards that have their postage fees paid by a charitable company.

I took my evening medicine and sprayed Nasonex into my nostrils and put cream on my face. I put on a fresh nightie and went to bed.

My nose ring smells weird. I kind of like it.

I have a weird pain in my upper arms, the same kind of pain you get after receiving a vaccination.

I have been thinking of my hair curled and dyed strawberry blonde this year.