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Last night I went to bed after taking a depression shower.

I had a dream where I became a Buddhist nun, celebrated New Year with Mirette, and pretended to be Mary Poppins in the same town where my first therapist’s office was.

I woke up about at seven, fell back asleep and woke up again at ten o’clock, and then I fell back asleep and woke up at noon. I felt surprised that I had managed to sleep so late, but then again, I usually get up at that time.

I took my morning medicine, got dressed, put Miniderm lotion on my face, and this time I didn’t drink coffee because I was out of sugar. I didn’t mind, I am not as badly addicted as I used to be.

I called my mother and asked if I can come see her, she said yes. I left and took a bus to my parents’ home.
Once there, mom answered the door. She gave me the weekly allowance and made coffee. I ate goat cheese, buttered rye bread, and green grapes.

I walked to the shopping mall and went to the newsagent to recharge my travel card and buy a bar of chocolate.

I took a train to downtown and went to Twinkle café.
There were only me and another counselor whom I didn’t remember, some people also visited and left earlier.

I felt pretty sick after drinking plenty of cocoa. I had to take three long dumps.

Later that day I left and took a tram to another part of the town, and then a subway to east. I went to a theater to see a theater play about school bullying.
I was about an hour too early, so I went to a nearby bar to enjoy a bag of crisps before I went to the theater.

The play was held in a small room in an abandoned factory that had been converted into some sort of a culture center.
We were asked about our experiences with school bullying, and the actors improvised short skits based on it.

After the play, I took a subway to the town center.
I took a bus back home, once there I took the stuff out of my storage room and brought them upstairs to my apartment, it only took me two trips but it also triggered my delusions.

I took my evening medicine, made some supper, and felt strange. I felt like, metaphorically speaking, I was a stone statue with a live electric wire sparkling inside it.
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Last night I had a dream of the survival horror games Silent Hill and Silent Hill 2. I also dreamed of many other things and woke up to the horridly self- conscious feeling that I am not doing enough to make my dreams come true. How can I afford traveling if I won’t be able to get a job?

I got up about at ten o’clock in the morning. I took my morning medicine and drank coffee.
I washed my hair and put on a hair mask. I put Miniderm on my skin and deodorant into my armpits.
I haven’t brushed my teeth for a while, and I can’t because I don’t want to transfer my flu bugs into my new pristine toothbrush.

My care worker came for the weekly appointment. I managed to wash all the dirty dishes, even if I still had the flu and I was disturbed by my delusions.

We made a new appointment on next Wednesday at two o’clock in the afternoon.
We left at the same time; I went to the pharmacy to pick up another batch of my anti- depressants, then I went to the library to return two DVDs. I also told the librarian that one of the DVDs was scratched.

Then I traveled to Girls’ House, they were celebrating the beginning of summer and that the House was going to be closed for said summer, so it was kind of a see you again- type of party.
One pretty girl played the ukulele and sang a beautiful song she had written all by herself. There were party treats too, watermelon slices and an old- timey Finnish treat made of old bun slices, whipped cream, and fresh berries.

After the party, I traveled back home and went to the pharmacy to pick up my pain killers and also six pump- action bottles of Miniderm, the basic lotion I use for my itchy skin.

Once back home, I took my evening medicine, and went to bed feeling alright.

Tomorrow I will go visit my mother, she will give me the weekly allowance. I will go to Twinkle café, after that I will go see a theater play.

On Wednesday, Mirette will move into another apartment. I promised to store some of her biggest belongings,
In the afternoon, I will go to a hang- out place for mentally ill people, there will be a hobby group. In the evening, I will go to the town center, there will be a sing- along. We will sing a well- known hymn which is usually sung at the beginning of summer.

Thursday is Ascension Day, which is a bank holiday in my home country. I will go visit my parents.

On Friday, I will go to another hang- out place for the mentally ill. I will also receive money, so I need to recharge my travel card, pay the dressmaker for mending my clothes and also bring them two other articles of clothing to be mended.
I will also pay the monthly gym membership fee and renew my Spotify Premium and Microsoft Word subscriptions.

On Saturday, I will do the weekly housework.

On Sunday, if I have been healed from flu by then, I will shave my armpits and chin hairs and put on a face mask.
I will go to a free concert with Mirette, and then I will go see my parents. My dad will give me the weekly allowance, and I will also call my granny.
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My plans for Monday, May 27th - Sunday, June 2nd

Monday, May 27th:
The first thing to do in the morning is to wash my hair.
My care worker will come for the weekly appointment, this time I will try to at least wash the dishes because they have been sitting around for too long.
I will go to Girls’ House, there will be one last party because the house will be closed for summer.
After that, I will go visit the library and return a DVD that has been scratched, and then I will go to the pharmacy to pick up a refill of my anti- depressants.

Tuesday, May 28th:
I will go visit my mother so she can give me the weekly allowance.
After that I will go to Twinkle café.
In the evening, I will go see a theater play about school bullying.

Wednesday, May 29th:
I will go to the hobby group in Pearl House.
In the evening, I will go to downtown; there is a celebration for the beginning of summer.

Thursday, May 30th:
It will be Ascension Day, which is a holiday in Finland. I don’t know what to do, I will probably go see my parents.

Friday, May 31st:
I will receive money; the first thing to do is to recharge my travel card until June 20th. I will also pick up my mended clothes from the dressmaker, pay the gym membership and Spotify Premium, and buy all the greeting cards for June.
I will go to Fountain House.

Saturday, June 1st:
I will start doing the weekly housecleaning; replace the towels, scrub the toilet bowl, and take out the recycling.

Sunday, June 2nd:
I will do the weekly beauty remedies; shave my armpits and chin, and put on a face mask.
If it doesn’t rain, I will ride my bicycle to my parents’ home. Once there, my father will give me the weekly allowance. I will call my granny.
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I have the flu :c

On Thursday morning, I woke up with a sore throat. I guess it was because I had been caught in the rain without a coat when I went to see Eleclya on Wednesday; it’s always the same, I get a little rainwater on my bare skin and immediately get the flu.
On the same evening, I went to see this middle school theater production of Stephen King’s novel Carrie. It was more like a dress rehearsal, but it was still awesome.

On Friday, I received money. I fetched my mended clothes from the dressmaker, and I didn’t buy groceries because I had some left from last week.
In the afternoon, my care worker came for the weekly appointment. Mostly we just talked, because I didn’t want to wash the dishes or iron the laundry now that I was ill with the flu.
In the evening, me and Mirette went thrift store prowlin’; there's a thrift store chain in my home country (like GoodWill in the USA) that has these occasional discounts, for example, on Monday and Tuesday everything costs seven euros at maximum, on Wednesday and Thursday they cost six euros, and on Friday and Saturday, five euros, and on next week's Saturday, they cost only one euro.
We especially visited the ones in proximity to the town center, the ones that have a special vintage department. I bought a stripy long- sleeved shirt, and three dresses.
We went to Burger King to have a little sustenance to keep our spirits up, I bought a halloumi burger and big fries.

On Saturday morning I woke up and had a feeling that I had a full- blown flu. I stayed inside all day, except when I went to the supermarket to buy unsweetened soymilk for my coffee.

Today I felt slightly better. I called my mother and we agreed to meet at the local shopping mall so she could give me my dad’s weekly allowance. Then I went to the newsagent to put a tenner’s worth of charge into my travel card and bought two liters of unsweetened soymilk.
Then I went to the nearest school to vote in the Europarliament election.
Me and Mirette went to the World Village festival in downtown, it’s about nature protection, multiculturalism, democracy, charity, and other awesome stuff that I like. I got a free tote with a cute design, lots of free candy, and a free badge.

I was in a lousy mood because I had the flu, and it kept on raining a lot.

Later that day I headed back home, and went to the shopping mall to buy a pump- action bottle of hand wash gel.

Once back home, I ate some supper and made coffee, and I felt weird; I didn’t feel as depressed and anxious as I usually feel, the delusions bothered me as usually, but I didn’t feel like, freaked out or unhappy, and I didn’t feel like if I drink a cup of coffee after taking my evening medicine, I didn’t believe it was going to deteriorate my mental and physical health.

In the evening, I started feeling anxious and frustrated again, about at when I was supposed to go to bed. I hoped I would feel better tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will wash my hair, it’s in a desperate need of a wash.
My care worker will come for the weekly appointment at 12:45 pm, I will wash the dishes.
In the afternoon, I will go to the summer party at Girls’ House.
I also have some errands to do; return a DVD to the library, and swing by the pharmacy to pick up my anti- depressants.
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My nice life

Last night I had a dream where Netflix had added the second season of my favorite sitcom, The Good Place.
In another dream, me and my family went to visit my mother's childhood home which later served as our summer cottage. In the dream, we got to know the new family who had moved in there, and got along pretty well. They had renovated the cottage into a real luxurious mansion.

I woke up early, went to the bathroom to take a pee, and then went back to bed, wondering if I already had to get up.
I got up at noon, took my morning medicine and got dressed. Then my doorbell rang; it was the pest exterminator coming to see if there was a wasp nest in my balcony. He took a look at it and said that there might not be a wasp nest because there were only one or two wasps, so they might be coming from another balcony. He told me to keep an eye on the situation.

I went to see my new own nurse today. On my way to the psychiatric clinic, an elderly lady told me I looked lovely. Another elderly lady kept saying "Blessings from Jesus" to all the passers- by.
Then I remembered that I had forgotten my smartphone at home, so I went there and picked it up.

Once at the psychiatric clinic, I got to know my new nurse.
We had a nice time, we talked about things and made some plans. We decided to have the next appointment on June 19th at one o'clock in the afternoon.

I called my mother and asked her if I can come over, she said yes. I walked to my parents' home, where mom answered the door. She gave me 50 euros and made coffee.
I ate goat cheese and blue cheese and cheese balls, and then it was time to leave.
I walked back to my own home and picked up some gifts I was supposed to give to Eleclya whom I was going to visit today.

I went to the shopping mall and bought new headphones, two nail clippers, and a bottle of Listerine.
I caught a bus to Eleclya's home town, and went to a jewelry shop where I bought an Alice band with a plush unicorn horn and ears and plastic flowers, and a beaded necklace with letters that spell AWESOME, and then I went to see Eleclya.

Once at her home, I realized that I had forgotten my gifts at home, oh well. We shared a hearty laugh, and then we went to the post office so Eleclya could pick up her new orders, and then we went to a supermarket where she bought milk and ice popsicles, I also bought a popsicle for myself.

Once back at Eleclya's home, Odessa came for a visit. We all had a good time together, but later in the evening I had to leave.

I took a bus back to my home town, and went to the supermarket. I bought a spray bottle of dry shampoo. I took some discarded trolleys back to the trolley station.

Once back home, I took my evening medicine and used my dry shampoo. It actually worked, my hair is smooth, looks clean, and smells nice.

Tomorrow I will go to the Fountain House to become a full- time member. After that, I will visit Eleclya and give her the gifts.
After that, I will go to my parents' house to see a musical based on Stephen King's novel Carrie.

On Friday, I will receive money. I will fetch the mended clothes from the dressmaker.
My care worker will come for the weekly appointment at 2:40 pm. I will iron the laundry and wash the dishes during the appointment.
Me and Mirette will go shopping at the thrift stores, because there will be a sale: all clothes five euros at maximum!

On Saturday, I will do the weekly housework.

On Sunday, I will go see my parents and pick up the weekly allowance.
In the afternoon, me and Mirette will go to World Village festival.
In the evening, we will go to movies to see Pokémon Detective Pikachu.
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Cherry blossoms

Last night after I had gone to bed, Elysion called me and asked if she can come for a sleepover because she was visiting the metropolitan area and had no other place to go. I agreed, and made her a bed on the sofa. Mirette was coming for a sleepover too, she was going to a concert with Eleclya and Suavecita.

In the small hours, about at three or four o'clock in the morning, they were both at my home and I went to sleep on the sofa on the balcony. Fortunately the nights are warm now.

In the morning I heard the wasps starting to buzz about, so I went to sleep next to Elysion. I had nice dreams about loving communities.

I got up about at noon, took my morning medicine, got dressed, and did a little bit of this and that before we left.
Me, Elysion, and Mirette went to a newsagent to buy Elysion a train ticket, and then we took a train to downtown. We had a good time, talking and laughing.

Once at the town center, we went to a small grocery shop to buy some sustenance. Mirette noticed that she had forgotten her wallet at my home, so I paid for her snacks.

We hung around for a while, and I felt a bit anxious because I was afraid that some of the junkies and drunkies that hang around in the same place would have come to harass me.

Later Elysion went to see her boyfriend, and me and Mirette traveled eastward and went to a cherry tree park; there was a Japanese- styled happening called Hanami. We ran into Tiana and some of her friends, they shared their picnic with us. I petted dogs and paid compliments to people.

Later that day I left and walked to the subway station. I caught a subway to another town and then a bus back home; I was feeling wanderlust and I wanted to go visit a shopping mall I had never visited before, but it was past closing time.

Once back at my home town, I went to the supermarket and bought a box of pantyliners and a whole garlic, and mailed some greeting cards.

Once back at my home, I started toiling; I washed two loads of laundry and hung them on the drying racks, took out the recycling, hoovered the floor and the sofa- bed and my bed, and then I spent some time for myself; I put on an argan mud face mask, and after rinsing it off, I put toner and eye cream and basic lotion on it. I put on a clean nightie, and went to bed to update my laptop.

Tomorrow I will take a shower, wash my hair, and use the 12- step Korean skincare regiment.
As I won't have an appointment with my care worker tomorrow, I will spend the day all myself. I will go visit an art museum and the aforementioned shopping mall, and at some point of the day I have to take the broken electronic appliances to the recycling station. I might take a bus because there's no way I will be able to haul all that stuff with a bicycle.
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Many days

On Monday, my care worker came for the weekly appointment. I managed to iron all the laundry until the windows were steamed up, but I only managed to wash about half of the dishes and that's when I ran out of energy.
In the evening, I went over to Mirette's home for a sleepover because I was supposed to have a dentist's appointment the next day at the municipal dentist right in her neighborhood.

On Tuesday morning, I got up before my smartphone alarm woke me up. I brushed my interdentals, tongue and teeth, and used mouthwash.
During the dentist's appointment, I had two fillings made. I am not afraid of dentists, but it still hurt a bit. Nonetheless, I have nice teeth now, and I have also stopped gnashing my teeth.
After the appointment, I went back home to take a power nap and then I went to Twinkle cafe. In the evening, I went to see my mother who gave me 20 euros. I bought all this month's greeting cards.

On Wednesday, I received money. I used my discount coupon and bought two packets of ink pen refills from the stationery shop, one purple and one green. I also bought some dental care products from the supermarket.
I went to the Weird hobby group at Pearl House, where we celebrated Christmas (yes). We had gingerbread biscuits and mulled wine and sang songs and talked about our favorite Christmas memories, and then I had a cup of coffee and left.
I had to go back to the Pearl House because I forgot my smartphone there, d'oh!
I took a tram to the town center and mailed a few greeting cards. Then I went to a cafe and ate a slice of Sisilian lemon pie, and it didn't erase my sour mood. I was unhappy because I had wasted all the money, and I still had so many things to buy.
I went back home, called my mother, put the clean dishes into my cupboard and took the laundry off the drying racks, folded them and put them into the cupboard.

Tomorrow I will have an orientation day at the Fountain House, and then I will go shopping for a new zipper hoodie with my mother.

On Friday, I will wash my hair during the morning routines so my hair will be clean when I go to the hairdresser to have my bangs shortened and neatened. After that, I will have an appointment with a masseuse; I will have my shoulders and neck massaged.

On Saturday, I will start doing the weekly housework; take out the recycling, scrub the toilet bowl, and take the bed clothes to the balcony to freshen them. In the afternoon I go to a block party. Mirette will come for a sleepover.

On Sunday, I will do the weekly hygiene routine; shave my chin and armpits, and put on a face mask.
Me and Mirette will go to a Hanami- themed block party in a park with lots of blossoming cherry trees.
After that, I will go to my parents' home to collect the weekly allowance. I also have to remember to call my granny. 
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My plans for Monday, May 13th - Sunday, May 19th

Monday, May 13th:
My care worker will come for the weekly appointment at 2:40 pm. I will iron the laundry and wash the dishes.
In the evening, I will go to Mirette's home for a sleepover.

Tuesday, May 14th:
I will have an appointment at the dentist near Mirette's home at half past noon. I will have new fillings done on my teeth.
I will go to Twinkle cafe, and then I will go visit my mother who will give me the weekly allowance. I will buy greeting cards with it.

Wednesday, May 15th:
I will go to a hobby group.

Thursday, May 16th:
I will go to the Club House for an orientation day; I was told that I can pick whatever time I want, so I will go there as soon as I have finished my breakfast and other routines.
I will go to the youth group at the church.

Friday, May 17th:
Mallard will come back from Kenya.
I will receive the weekly allowance; I won't spend it until I have had my appointment at the masseuse at three o'clock in the afternoon. I will have my neck and shoulders massaged.
I will buy groceries and some other useful stuff.
In the evening, I will go to the Red Cross youth group.

Saturday, May 18th:
I will do the weekly housework; scrub the bathroom, take out the recycling, and take the bed clothes to the balcony to have them freshened.

Sunday, May 19th:
The first thing to do in the morning is to shave my chin and armpits, and put on a face mask.
I will go visit my parents. If the weather is fine, I will walk there and back.
My dad will give me the weekly allowance. I will call my granny. 
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Why do I feel this way?

Last night when I slept on Mirette's spare bed, I had all kinds of weird dreams.
I was still sleeping when Mirette left. I got up at 11:39 am, and took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day with cocoa.

I packed my stuff and left. I caught a bus back to my home town and went straight back home.
I shaved my chin and armpits, and then I took a shower. I washed my hair and armpits and face, and then I put on an argan mud face mask, rinsed it off after a while, and put on face toner, serum, lotion, and eye cream. I also put anti- atopic lotion on my body, and got dressed into fresher clothes.

I went to see my parents today; I called my mother and asked her if I can come over, she said yes I can. I decided to walk to my parents' home town because most of the buses had already gone past and the next bus would arrive in half an hour, no less.

During my walk to my parents' home, the delusions bothered me. Once at my parents' home, I was feeling apathetic and morose. Dad gave me 20 euros.
I ate boiled potatoes and fried salmon and two types of cheese and salad for lunch, and mother had bought blueberry pie for Mother's Day.

Later that day I walked back to my home town. I went to the shopping mall and visited a knick- knack shop to buy a USB cord for recharging my smartphone. I also bought two cans of fresh coconut milk and a bag of sugar.

I mailed two greeting cards for my friends.

I went back home, put the shopping to its rightful places, and washed two loads of laundry. I also hoovered the floor, scrubbed the toilet bowl. and bagged the trash.
I brushed my teeth properly, I should do that more often.

I called my granny and talked with her for a while.

I was feeling manic, speedy, and frustrated, so I took one Ketipinor and one Oxamin to calm myself, but they made me feel even weirder. I felt like I was a huge lump of grey matter.
I wonder what was the reason behind it; I had eaten a full meal a while ago, my period was already over, and nothing bad had happened today.

I went to visit the supermarket, just because I needed to clear my head. I bought a box of oatmeal porridge flakes, and fruit and vegetable juice boxes that work as a supplement for your vegetable and fruit intake.

Once back home, I put everything to their rightful places and made a few sandwiches.

I dealt my pills into both of my Dosetts; which reminds me, I need to buy bigger Dosetts.

In the evening, I changed into my nightie and went to bed without having a wash.

I am increasingly worried about my physical health. I should exercise more often and eat healthily, but I cannot seem to be able to make those wishes come true. I have a lousy appetite and I don't have enough hours in my day to work out.
I don't know how to motivate myself to brush my teeth more often.

I still feel manic and speedy, but I did some stretches and exercises to make myself feel better.
  • Current Mood: anxious anxious
  • Current Music: Hevisaurus - Hevitwisti
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Mirette's party

I came home from movies in the small hours, I was home about at half past midnight.
I took my evening medicine and went to bed.

I got up in the afternoon at half past two o’clock. I had overslept because I had gone to sleep so late.

I took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day, got dressed, and drank coffee.

Later that day, I packed my stuff and left. I took a bus to Mirette’s home town, once there I walked the shortest way to her home. I’m glad I got the door code right on the first try.

Once at Mirette’s home, I was the first visitor. Then Berry arrived, and then the rest of the visitors; Jusa, Perry, Eleclya, Suavecita, and Rige.

We had a good time, eating treats and listening to music. I felt sleepy, and I didn’t know why; I took a power nap and started to feel better. I guess it’s the fact that I came home late and the rainy, grey weather making me so sleepy.

By the end of the party, I had warmed up to other people. I stayed in the living room more often than I went to the bedroom to take a nap.

I stayed at Mirette’s home for a sleepover.

Tomorrow I will probably be sleeping when Mirette goes to her granny’s home with her family to celebrate Mother’s Day. Fortunately Mirette trusts me enough to let me stay at her home.
I will go back home and clean myself up properly; shave my chin and armpits, take a shower and wash my hair and body, and put on a face mask.
I will go visit my parents, I will probably walk there and back.
My dad will give me the weekly allowance, and I will also call my granny.
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Late night show

When I got up in the morning, I didn't bother with having a wash or eating a decent breakfast; I just took my morning medicine and the first biotin supplement of the day, got dressed and had coffee.

I went to the ATM machine to withdraw cash, and then I went to Arnold's and bought a cold- smoked salmon bagel and an iced coffee.
I took a bus to Mallard's home town. First I went to the supermarket and bought some milk and skin care products; then I went to another shop and bought a bottle of face tonic.
I went to Mallard's home and gave her the milk and also 15 euros for the sushi buffet. I stayed for a while and petted Dipsy, and took the second biotin of the day.

I caught a bus back to my home town, and went to the supermarket to buy coffee and some greeting cards.
I went back home, put my belongings to their rightful places, and then I went out again.

I caught a train to downtown and a subway to another part of the town, where I met Mirette in front of Subway. We went to movies to see Avengers: Endgame.
I bought a double dose of nachos with warm cheese sauce, and Mirette bought sweet popcorns.

The movie was amazing, I am not going to spoil it for you.

After the movie, we went to a supermarket that is open for 24 hours a day. Mirette bought me orange juice because I was terribly thirsty.

I caught a bus to another part of the town, and then I caught a train to my home town.

Once back home, I took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day. 
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Back home again! ^_^

Last night I had a dream where I was studying in Hogwarts, and realized that I was actually dreaming. I tried to sit up in my bed in order to wake myself up.

I got up in the morning, took my medicine and the first biotin, and then I went back to bed and slept for a full hour, as usually when I go to bed right after taking my morning medicine. I wonder why I never fall asleep right after going to bed when I have taken my evening medicine.

Anyway, I got up later, got dressed, and had breakfast with the other girls. Suavecita took Dipsy for walkies.

Later that day, I packed my stuff and left. I caught a bus back home.
Once at my home, I noticed that I had received one of the Easter cards I had sent to a friend, with a stamp that said "Unable to forward". I had also received a notification that a plastic recycling bin will be constructed at my home yard. I like that, I no longer need to take my plastic trash to the recycling bin near my parents' home!

I put everything to their rightful places, and later the day I left. I took a bus downtown and went to a shopping mall, there was an Europe Day celebration going on. Mostly there were different political parties holding up stands, and I went from stand to stand and asked them questions and grabbed some free candy.

After that, I traveled to another part of the town and that's when my smartphone ran out of battery. Fortunately I met my mother, she was going to take part in the same group as I was.

We walked around the forest, and I was in high spirits. I should go for walks in the nature more often.

After the group, mom bought me a candy floss- flavored ice cream cone with strawberry sauce. Then we took the same train back home.
On the train there was a drunken man acting creepy, and I felt bothered.

Once back home, I took my evening medicine and went to bed, still feeling bothered.
The only bad things that happened to me today was my phone running out of batteries, and the creepy man on the train.

Tomorrow I will receive money. I will go shopping, and then I need to visit Eleclya and pay her for the sushi buffet. I will also bring her a few liters of milk to compensate all the milk that I had drank with cocoa when I visited her.
I will also go shopping at the mall next to her home.
In the evening, I will go to movies with Mirette, we will go see Avengers: Endgame.

On Saturday, I will start doing housework.
In the afternoon, I will go to Mirette's house- leaving party, and stay overnight.

On Sunday, I will go back home. I will shave my chin and armpits, and put on a face mask.
I will go visit my parents, and preferably ride my bicycle there and back.
I will call my granny, and my dad will give me the weekly allowance.
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A sleepover at Eleclya's

Last night I had a dream where I was a rebellious teenage girl with long black hair and bangs, and I rode a red Cadillac on the highway next to the shopping mall near Mallard's home, where I was going today. I was laughing like a loon and the police were following me. I told them I was celebrating my graduation from high school, nothing else!
I abandoned the car and went to see a bunch of does who looked like Bambis, brown with white spots, and had kind eyes and antlers that looked like lilies of the valley growing in vines. They were grazing in a small meadow that was surrounded by grey concrete covered in colorful graffiti. In the dreams, it was a bright sunny summer day.

I got up, took my morning medicine and the first biotin supplement of the day. I noticed that I had finally got my period, so I squeezed my keeper inside myself and got dressed into a pink Dirndl dress and a grey The Ramones shirt.
I decided that I wouldn't go to the Chocolate Angel Makes You Smile happening at the library in the neighboring town. If there are more happenings like that in the metropolitan area, I will go there.

I called Eleclya and asked her if I can come over a bit earlier, she mumbled and grumbled and yawned and then she said yes.

I packed my stuff; my nightie and my laptop; and caught a bus to Mallard's home. Eleclya was having a smoke on the porch, so she let me in. Dipsy the dog didn't seem to be so afraid of me as he usually is.

Later that day, Suavecita came for a visit as well, she was going to stay overnight. We went to the shopping mall I had had a dream about. We went to a Chinese buffet to eat lunch.
I ate plenty of sushi, and noticed that I prefer the “plain” sushi (the one with avocado, fried egg, and cold- smoked salmon) as opposed to the ones with plenty of condiments and sauces.

We visited a few shops as well, and then we just hung around. Suavecita and Eleclya used the same vending machine and got matching skull- and- crossbones pewter rings, and joked that they had gotten engagement rings-
We went to a hairdresser where Eleclya had a pentagram shape shaved onto the back of her head, and I asked a couple of questions about improving my hair quality. The hairdresser recommended me hair specialist shampoo instead of market shampoo, and told me to put argan oil on my hair tips once a day.

Then we went grocery shopping. I had to carry Eleclya's groceries in one huge bag and I practically felt like my spine was retreating into itself, vertebra by vertebra.

In the evening, I accompanied Khan (an immigrant who lives as a tenant in Mallard’s home, and also studies in high school) to the shopping mall; he wanted to buy cologne and face wash.

Once back at Mallard's house, it smelled like waffles because Eleclya had made some waffles for supper. I had three of them with whipped cream.

In the evening, Eleclya and Suavecita went to the nearby hotel to play Pokémon Go!, there was going to be a "five star raid" or whatevsies, I don't understand anything about that lingo.

I washed my hair with two shampoos; first I tried one that smells like tar, it made my hair smell so bad that I rinsed it off and used one with aloe vera and coconut. It made my hair *fabulous*

In the evening when the other girls came home, I took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day. Eleclya helped Suavecita dye her roots.

I have eschewed Google, and instead started using Ecosia search engine. For every search, they plant one tree.

I put on the 1970’s robe I use as a nightie, and then I went to bed in Eleclya’s old bedroom; she and Suavecita sleep on Mallard’s double bed. Khan sleeps in Oskar’s old bedroom; Oskar is Mallard’s adoptive son from Columbia, who currently lives in a halfway house.

Tomorrow I will go back home. I will put my sleepover stuff away, and then I will go to downtown to celebrate the Europe Day. After that, I will go to Heart Cape, where me and my mother will take part in the group where we go for a walk in the nearby forest. It's held by the same organization that upkeeps Twinkle cafe.

On Friday, I will receive money. The first thing to buy is groceries, then hygiene products, then greeting cards, and then go shopping at the mall near Mallard's home. I will buy a jewelry set from a clearance sale at a shoe shop.
I will also visit Eleclya, and pay her back for the sushi buffet and also bring her a few cartons of milk.
In the evening, me and Mirette will go to movies in downtown; we will go see the film Avengers: Endgame. I will buy a double dose of nachos with warm cheese sauce.

On Saturday, I will start doing the weekly housework. I will take out the recycling, scrub the toilet bowl, and replace the towels.
I will go to Mirette’s house- leaving party. I will stay for a sleepover.

On Sunday morning, I need to shave my armpits and chin hairs, and put on a face mask.
I will travel to my parents’ home. I will make the weekly phone call to my granny, and my dad will give me the usual twenty euros.
  • Current Mood: jubilant jubilant
  • Current Music: Emo the Musical - You're safe with me
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Early in the morning

Last night I went to bed in time. I managed to feel relaxed and fell asleep just fine, which is a rare occasion for me; I usually toss and turn with worry and anxiety.
I have found myself thinking that I am becoming addicted to my anti- anxiety pills, I might take a break from taking them every evening.

I woke up about at half past one o’clock in the morning and didn’t get any sleep after that. I got up to take my morning medicine and the first biotin and made coffee, turned on my computer, and did a little bit of this and that.

I shaved my armpits and my chin hairs and put on the last of the Rosy Cheeks fresh face mask that I got as a gift from Girls’ House. I also put Miniderm on my skin and deodorant into my armpits. I need to buy another face mask soon, and take the old mask- stuff jar to Lush for recycling.

After the mask had dried, I rinsed it off. I dabbed the last drops of my toner on my face, and then I put on serum, lotion, and eye cream.
I brushed my teeth and got dressed.

I made my bed and cooked a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. At some point, I need to buy more chia seeds.
I did some simple stretches to release the tension in my body.

Soon I started to feel a bit sleepy, so I went back to bed to sleep off the sleep debt. I had a weird feeling; I somehow realized I was lying down horizontally, I had never realized it as well as before.
I slept till ten o’clock in the morning and had a dream about the movie Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, especially the dolphin scene: “So long, so long, and thanks for all the fish!”. I also had a dream where I rollerbladed naked through an old mansion.
In another dream, I was walking at the bus station in my parents’ home town, and soon I became aware of my surroundings and then I woke up.

I got up, washed a load of laundry, took the second biotin supplement of the day, and made pasta-in-a-bag for lunch.

I took some of my old and new diaries to the downstairs storage room, and took my leggings to the drying room so they would dry faster; I was out of clean leggings and it was cold outside.

I decided to keep the drying racks on the balcony, so my laundry would smell fresh.

Later that day I left and took the household waste to recycling. I got aboard a train, traveled to my parents’ home town, and took the plastic waste to recycling.

I took a bus to downtown and went to two museums.
After that I took a bus back to my parents’ home town, and went to see my parents.
My mom answered the door. My dad gave me 20 euros, and I had a nice talk with my brother.

I had coffee, and then I walked to the bus station and caught a bus to my home town. I went to the supermarket and bought a new pair of gloves, a tube of ecological toothpaste, and a Mother’s Day card for my granny.

Once back home, I washed more laundry. I called Eleclya and asked her if I can come for a sleepover next Wednesday, and also made the weekly phone call to my granny.

In the evening, I started to feel a bit weird. I took my evening medicine and the last biotin supplement of the day and went to bed even if I had plenty of stuff to do.
I took a depression shower and went back to bed.

Tomorrow I need to wash my hair; I won’t take a full shower, just wash and condition my hair. I won’t use the twelve- step Korean skincare regiment for a while because I am out of facial cleaner, toner, and peeling cream.
My care worker will come for the weekly appointment. I will iron the laundry and wash the dishes.
After that, I will go visit an art museum, and then I will go to Girls’ House and then to the Monday Evening group.
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Winter is coming, again

There was a weather forecast that there will be a back winter in most of the parts of Finland, but not necessarily in the South where I live.
I had a dream where the landscape outside my balcony had turned into muddy fields covered by snow. In another dream I heard a truck driving down the road where I live, and I thought it was a snowplow.
I had very intensive dreams. In one of them, I told my mother I won’t be able to live to see my future if we won’t travel to Lapland. I dreamed of all of space and time, and woke up in the safety of my bed.

I had slept very late and had such intensive dreams that made my reality a bit weird.

I got up, took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day, and then I had coffee and a few sandwiches.

I was feeling a bit unhappy and unmotivated towards doing anything. I strongly guess it’s the cold and rainy weather and the fact that there was a holiday in the middle of the week, it has given me a bit of jet- lag.

I received money today. I completely forgot that I was supposed to recharge my travel card.
I went to the shopping mall. Sheesh, it was cold outside!
All the ATM machines were out of cash, so I decided to pay with my debit card.

I went to the supermarket and bought groceries. I also bought two Mother’s Day cards; one for my mother, and one for my granny.
On the cashier line, I helped this elderly lady pack her groceries.
I went to the stationery shop and bought twenty postage stamps; ten for mail to be delivered inside Finland, and another ten for outside Finland.

I went back home, put all my belongings to their rightful places, and then I decided to go visit an art museum.

I took a bus, because I didn’t feel like taking a train. Once at the last stop, I decided to take the same bus back home; I didn’t feel like going to the museum after all. Somehow I had already used all my spoons.

I traveled back home, and went to the shopping mall to buy two mint chocolate truffle bars.
Once back home, I fixed myself some dinner, took a shower and brushed my teeth. I immediately felt better, but then it was time to go to bed.

I took my evening medicine, and I also had to take one anti- anxiety pill and one extra Ketipinor because I was feeling manic and speedy.

I woke up early this morning after having even more intensive dreams. Right after I had woken up, my mother called me and asked if I was still in bed. I lied and told her that I was having my morning coffee; we agreed to meet at the local shopping mall.

I got up, took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day, got dressed, and left.
Sheesh, it was still cold outside!

I took a train to my parents’ home town, where I met my mother at the convenience store. I needed to spell the situation out three times before she finally agreed to pay for the recharging of my travel card.

After she had finally recharged it, I took a train back home and went right to bed.
After getting up, I made coffee, replaced the towels with fresh ones, took the bedding to the balcony, and scrubbed the toilet bowl.

I went to see Eleclya today, she is currently living at her adoptive mother’s home because she went aboard for a month, and needs someone to take care of Dipsy the dog. Her bunny rabbit Toast is currently at Berry’s home.

I took a bus to her home, and once there, Dipsy barked madly at me and then scurried away when I tried to pet him.
We had coffee, cocoa, and candy. Later Mirette and Odessa came for a visit as well.

I left early, and took a bus and then a train and then a subway and went to an art museum. I had a good time there.
I went to the café and ordered a glass of water, so I could take my second biotin supplement.

I took a subway and then a bus back home because I wanted to take a longer way; I needed to be alone with my thoughts and also knit a lot.

Once back at my home town, I went to the supermarket and looked for new gloves.

Once back at home, I changed from my day clothes into a bathrobe, washed a load of laundry, and in the evening I took my evening medicine and the last biotin supplement of the day.

I wondered if I could leave my drying racks with the laundry hung on it on the balcony, would it freeze during the night? I decided not to take a useless risk, and instead brought the drying rack inside.
I washed another load of laundry, had some supper, and brought my bedding inside from the balcony.

In the evening when I changed from bathrobe to nightie, I managed to put Miniderm on my skin.

Tomorrow the first thing to do is to shave my chin and armpits, and then put on a face mask.
I will go visit my parents and take the plastic waste to recycling.
Once at my parents’ home, I will call my granny.
My dad will give me the weekly allowance, I will buy a new pair of gloves with it.
After that, I will go to two museums in downtown. Once back home, I will finish doing the housework.
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From Thursday to Friday

During the night between Wednesday and Thursday, Mirette came for a sleepover, she had been in a concert nearby.

I got up at noon, took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day. I tried to wash my hair with dry shampoo, but it didn’t work so I washed my hair with real shampoo. I also washed my face and put lotion on my skin and deodorant into my armpits and got dressed and put on jewelry.
And then I was done with my morning routines.

Later that day we both left at the same time. I went to see my parents because it was a holiday.
My dad answered the door, my brother was also home, and my mom was visiting downtown.

I had coffee and orange juice and ate whatever I could find from the kitchen. I took the second biotin of the day.

Later that day my mother came home, and she was angry at me because I kept on talking to her. I wish she would have realized that I was only trying to socialize, it was not my intention to make her angry.

In the evening I went back home, took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day, and went to bed.

Last night I had very intense dreams; in one of them I went to the summer cottage with my family, and this time I was actually convinced that I had made it there. I was mighty disappointed when I woke up.
I don’t understand why I keep on having so many dreams about the summer cottage.
In another dream, I went geocaching. I also had dreams of Lapland and the town where the psychiatric hospital was, the one where I was treated in 2006 - 2007, and in another dream I was looking for four- leaf clovers with my childhood friend whom I haven’t met since we moved away.

I woke up early and continued sleeping; about at eleven o’clock, I started thinking that I may have to get up soon-ish. I got up and logged in to my online bank account and noticed that I had received the usual weekly allowance.
I took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day, got dressed, and put lotion on my face, and put on some jewelry.

I paid my gym membership fee and Spotify Premium subscription: even if my account statement said it hasn’t been paid, my Spotify still worked.

I went to an ATM machine and withdrew cash, and then I went to the nearest newsagent to recharge my travel card so I can travel in the metropolitan area until June 20th.
I traveled to Eleclya’s hometown and went to Fountain House. I learned that they were going on an outing, so I left.

I went to the café where Eleclya works and ordered an iced mint chocolate espresso. Eleclya looked funny now that she has taken all her facial piercings off; well, not exactly funny, she looked like an ordinary person, but it has been a while since I saw her without her piercing.

I took a bus to downtown simply because I wanted to travel a long way to celebrate the fact that I got my traveling privileges back.

I went to a supermarket, and bought a box of tissues, a box of toilet paper, a can of soy milk, a bag of sugar, and a box of coffee grounds.

I took a train back home.
Once there, I put my shopping to their rightful places, took the second biotin supplement of the day, and made coffee.

I washed a load of laundry.

Later that day, Mirette came for a visit and brought some of her food and other stuff.

I went to the sauna, but I couldn’t enjoy it because I was bothered by my delusions. I might be getting my period soon, my delusions worsening is a certain sign that I am going to have PMS.

Once back home, I put lotion on my skin and got dressed into a nightie.

I feel weird. Strung up, wired up, nervous, and my throat is dry no matter how much water I drink.

I watched the movies The Ring, The Silence, and a bit of the TV show The Mist on Netflix.
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Sleepovers make the rockin' world go round

Me and Mirette had a sleepover at my home last night.

I woke up pretty early, but I slept late.
I got up, took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day, put Miniderm lotion on my skin, got dressed, and had breakfast.

Later that day me and Mirette left and went downtown to celebrate the first of May.
We walked around for a while, and then went to a free concert.

After that, I went aboard a train and called my mother to ask her if I can come over. She said she was in the same train.
We got off at my home town and caught a bus to my parents' home.

I have started to resent my father after my mom told me that he yells about everything; it's been a while since he did that in my presence.

Anyway, I had salmon and potatoes and feta cheese for dinner, and some coffee as well. Then I caught a bus back to my home town, and went back to my own home. I mailed three name- day cards.

I was feeling a bit bored, so I decided to arrange and re- arrange my dirty dishes on the counter and sort out the cutlery; then I mopped the bathroom floor, and then I went to take out the recycling.

I went to the shopping mall to hang out, and then I went back home. I knitted and watched Netflix for a little bit.

I took my evening medicine and the third biotin of the day, and soon I'm off to sleep.

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A nice day!

I woke up early in the morning two times to the need to pee.
I didn’t bother getting up until just before eleven o’clock in the morning, when my smartphone alarm was supposed to ring. it’s always the same; even if I wake up early, I won’t be able to get up until my alarm clock rings.

I took my morning medicine and biotin supplement and made coffee.

I took a shower, washed and conditioned my hair, did the 12- step Korean skincare regiment, put on skin cream and deodorant, got dressed, and put on a necklace.

I called my mother and asked her if I can come over, she said yes. I was already out of my apartment, out of the hallway, on the street when I realized I had forgotten to bring the detachable parts of my fridge that my mother was supposed to wash in the dishwasher. I went back home, took them out of the fridge and put them into a shopping bag, and still made it to the bus.

Once at my parents’ home, mom washed the parts in the dishwasher, gave me 40 euros, and made coffee.

I walked to the shopping mall and went to the convenience store to recharge my travel card.
I took a train to Stick City and went to the Club House. The orientation was actually nice enough, and we had a May Day party at the same time.
I learned that if you become a member of the Club House, you can get discount from the local beautician. That may be the only reason I am going to join it.

After that, I took a train to downtown and went to Girls’ House for the May Day party. Once there, I had a good time and talked with the others and drank coffee.

After the party, I traveled back to my parents’ home to pick up the fridge parts that had been washed, and also pick up my scarf that I had forgotten there.
I had to leave early so that my dad wouldn’t start yelling at me.

I took a bus back to my home town and went to the supermarket to buy name- day cards and postage stamps.

Once back home, I started working on the cards.
In the evening, I took my medicine and drank too much coffee.

I felt weird. I got the shakes and felt like I am going to start screaming uncontrollably at any moment. I took one anti- anxiety pill and a depression shower, and then I went to bed.

Mirette came home about at midnight, she had been at a barbeque party with Rige.
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Which reminds me

Yesterday me and Mirette went to the Ice Cream & Chocolate festival. My favorites were lingonberry chocolate, mint chocolate ice cream, and pine needle ice cream.
After the festival, there was a disco and we danced like brainless budgies.
I was early to leave, I went to visit my parents so that I could collect my father’s weekly allowance.

I bought a couple of greeting cards; one “Congratulations for the Graduation” for a friend in New Zealand who became a nurse, and a “Sorry for your loss” card for Lita whose mother died recently.
Once back home, I washed two loads of laundry.

Last night I went to bed feeling a bit weird; I took one of my anti- anxiety pills, I am not sure how to describe how it made me feel.

I had a dream where I went to visit the White House, I marched along the corridors singing the Estonian song Tere Perestroika.
I another dream I was forced to be a Handmaid, and I chose to commit suicide by drowning.
I woke up in the same position I drowned in.

I got up at noon, took my morning medicine and biotin, and didn’t bother with having a wash. I just slathered deodorant into my armpits and basic lotion on my face and got dressed. And drank too much coffee. I felt a bit weird; I knew I would feel mentally better if I had proper nutrition and exercised more, just popping pills isn’t going to help.

Later that day my care worker came for the weekly appointment. I didn’t bother with washing the dishes or ironing the laundry.

In the afternoon we made a new appointment for next week and then we left at the same time.

I went to the supermarket and bought a packet of Karelian pies, and then took a bus to downtown.
I could have walked to Girls’ House, but it was freezing cold outside and I didn’t want to catch the flu, so I took a subway.

Once at Pasture Cape, I went to visit an eco- market and then a thrift store. I went to Girls’ House, had some cocoa and talked with the others.

After I left, I took a tram to Pole City and went to the Monday Evening Group in Twinkle Café. I drank cocoa there as well, and ate some cherry tomatoes.
After that, I caught another tram back to downtown and went to a few shops, looking for some gifts for Eleclya who has her 31st birthday tomorrow.
I sent the cards I had bought yesterday, and then I caught a train back home.
I’m glad there are free bathrooms in the trains, I had to take a pee and poop.

Once at my home town, I went back home.
I took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day and started planning what I should do for the rest of the evening.
I don’t feel like ironing the laundry, or washing the dishes, or having a proper wash.

Tomorrow I have to get up early; I have to take a shower, wash my hair, and use the twelve- step Korean skincare regiment, brush my teeth, and put on neat clothes.
I agreed with my mother that I am going to take the plastic vegetable box and other removable stuff out of my fridge and take them to my parents’ home and wash them in their dishwasher.
After that, I am going to travel to Stick City and go to the Club House, which is a place for people with mental illnesses. I will have an appointment there at half past one o’clock in the afternoon.
After that, I will go to the May Day party in Girls’ House, and then I will do some discreet shopping.

On Wednesday, me and Mirette will celebrate May Day.

On Thursday, we will go to movies to see Avengers: Endgame.

On Friday, I will receive money. I will go to a beautician for a manicure, buy groceries and greeting cards and postage stamps.
In the evening I will go to the sauna.

On Saturday I will go visit Mirette; she will move out of her apartment, and wants to hold a house- leaving party, the opposite of a house- warming party.

On Sunday, I will shave my armpits and chin hairs and put on a face mask.
I will take the plastic waste to recycling when I go visit my parents. I will call my granny, and collect the weekly allowance.
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Pain pills

My right shoulder has started hurting again. I guess the cortisone is wearing off. Weird, I only skipped taking my pain medicine for a day after the prescription wasn't renewed, but now I am using them again.

I had a dream where I was in Eleclya's home town. It was a starry winter night, I was wandering outside in normal clothes except I wasn't wearing a top, only a dirty stretched out bralette I had when I was a teenager and had smaller honkers. Anyway, I got a bright idea; I called my mom even if it was midnight, and we went to a department store to buy me a t- shirt, and we were breezily chatting along like mom and daughter.

I woke up, looked at the clock on my smartphone, and decided to get up.
I took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day, and made the first coffee of the day.

I got dressed, washed my face and put toner, serum, eye cream, and lotion on it.

I received money today, so I ordered a ticket to the Ice Cream & Chocolate festival on Sunday, paid my monthly gym member membership fee, and also paid my Spotify Premium subscription.

I went to the appointment at the psychiatric center. It was a bit grey and chilly outside, but I didn't feel cold.

Once at the clinic, I told the receptionist that I was supposed to have an appointment today with the doctor. The receptionist sighed and said that the doctor has screwed up again, he hasn't made any notifications about an appointment. Nevertheless, I went to the waiting room and after a while, my mother showed up. She gave me a piece of raspberry chocolate.

During the appointment, the dunderhead doctor prescribed me some medicine to help my evening anxiety, and also told me that I can reduce the amount of Ketipinor in my evening medicine from three pills to two pills.
My mom complained that I sleep too much, and she also complained about how I never study or work.

I went to the shopping mall and withdrew the rest of the cash. I went to a café and bought a goat cheese bagel and a mug of cocoa with marshmallows. I knew I could have spent the money on groceries, or at least tipped the waiter, but I didn't bother.

When I went back home, it started raining. Once back home, I took off my shoes and left my backpack on the floor and didn't even take off my hoodie; I went to bed and had a two- hour depression nap.
I woke up feeling like nothing at all. Not sad or angry or happy, I popped to the shopping mall to buy some sugar and oat milk, and once back home, I made some coffee.

Later in the evening, I left and took a bus to downtown. I was heading to the Red Cross youth group.

Once at downtown, I went to the Red Cross office. I had a good time at the group, chatting with others and eating plenty of treats.
Later in the evening, I left and went to the shopping mall to look at clothing shops. I really should buy new clothes soon.
I also went to the stationery shop and bought three postage stamps; one for a card outside Finland, and two for Finnish mail.

I traveled back home, once there I felt happy.
I took my evening medicine sans one Ketipinor, hoping the change would help me get up tomorrow morning.

I am feeling rather speedy and manic, but I don't feel anxious at all.

Tomorrow I will go to Eleclya's 31st birthday party, after that Mirette will come to my home for a sleepover.

On Sunday, I will go to the Ice Cream & Chocolate festival, and I will also go visit my parents. My dad will give me the weekly allowance, and I will also call my granny. 
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Dear @Brad,

Bless your heart for creating such an amazing website. When I was a troubled dewy- faced high school freshman in and an angsty teenager extraordinaire in 2004, I created my first blog selma5678.
It helped me get in contact with other troubled teenagers, and make me feel like I am not alone in this world. I made plenty of amazing friends.
LiveJournal has been my lifeline ever since. My blog entries have grown into a story of hurt and healing.

Thank you for your service and devotion, and here's to another 20 years.

With lots of love,
kattidya 
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Having a good time

On Thursday I used a repairing hair mask for the first time in a while; it made my hair a tad bit flat after it was dry, I guess I used too much of it.
I went to see my mother who gave me the monthly hundred euros, I had also received the weekly allowance from my guardian of interest; I was supposed to receive them later this week but there will be bank holidays due to Easter.
I went shopping and bought a Gillette shaving blade; I want to support Gillette due to their advertisements concerning positive masculinity and body positivity. I also bought a packet of disposable shaving blades for my friends during sleepovers.
I also bought two kinds of eye cream, one for my bathroom and one for my backpack.
Later that day, my friend Mirette came for a visit.
We went thrift store prowling, and then we went to a Burger King where I ate a portion of French fries and a double halloumi burger. Then we went to a milkshake bar where I taste- tested a cherry milkshake and a cookie dough milkshake.
By then we were so full of delicious food that we both joked that soon we are going to get a membership card to Weight Watchers!
Once back home, I was tired but still managed to do all the evening routines. I went to bed feeling happy and content.

On Friday, I mainly chilled inside all day. I wanted to go for a walk, but I was gripped by anxiety.
Mirette came for a sleepover.

Today we went to a karaoke party hosted by Rige. First we went to visit Eleclya, Berry and Suavecita came as well.

I am a bit worried about Berry; she said today that she hates herself and the way her body looks because no man except for creeps wants her. I tried my best to convince her that she is gorgeous and shouldn’t validate herself through men’s eyes.

Once at Rige’s home, we had a good time and I sang a famous Finnish song. I also ate plenty of treats.

I was the first to leave; I took a bus to another part of my home town and then a train. I saw plenty of gorgeous landscapes and a gorgeous sundown.

Once back home, I took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day, brushed my teeth and put on a clean nightie.

Tomorrow I will take a shower and wash my hair, and I will also put on a face mask and shave my armpits and chin pubes.
I will ride my bicycle to my parents’ home. I will take the plastic waste to recycling on my way there.
Once at my parents’ home, my dad will give me the weekly allowance. I will call my granny.
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A nice enough day

Last night I had a dream about, well, stuff. I don't remember it correctly.

I got up, took my morning medicine and the first biotin supplement of the day. I took a shower and washed my hair and did the twelve- step Korean skincare regiment, and got dressed.

Later when everyone Mirette and Elysion were up as well, we went out. We went to the newsagent so Elysion could get a train ticket, and then took a train to downtown.

We went to a burger joint. I had received money today, so I bought two big portions of French fries.
After we were done lunching, we went to the stationery shop where I bought the last ten Easter cards that I am going to mail this year. I also bought Elysion and Mirette their respective Easter cards.

We went to the long- distance bus terminal to hang out. I wrote the receiver's and sender's addresses on the cards, and I didn't need to put postage stamps on them because they were those kind of cards that have their postage fees paid by a charitable company such as Red Cross.

I waited for Elysion's bus to arrive. After she left, I took a train back to my home town.
Once back home, my care worker came for the weekly appointment.
I gave her an Easter card as well. I started washing the huge load of dishes, and I managed to wash them all but I did a pretty shoddy job because I was distracted by my delusions.

I didn't bother with ironing the huge pile of laundry because the delusions I suffered during the dishes took away all of my energy. For the rest of the appointment, we just talked.

After the appointment, we left at the same time. I traveled to Girls' House, where I drank a few cups of cocoa and talked with Mirette and the other girls.
After that, I took a tram to another part of the town and went to the Monday Evening Group in the same premises where Twinkle cafe is held.
I had a good time, eating treats and chatting with the others.

After the group, I took a tram to downtown and then a bus back to my home town.
I went to the supermarket and bought some greeting cards.

Once back home, I took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day, started working on the greeting cards, ate the rest of the Easter candy, took a depression shower, and washed a load of laundry.
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My friends are awesome

Last night I had weird dreams about this and that, I really don’t feel like writing about them as exquisitely as I wrote yesterday.

I woke up early when my Messenger alerted me. My closest friends had already started their group chat.

I got up at noon, took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day. I had coffee for breakfast, washed my face and put lotion on it, and got dressed.

Later that day, I went to see Eleclya just like we had agreed. I took a train to her home town.
Once at Eleclya’s home, Suavecita arrived as well. We ate the peppermint meringues and drank coffee.
Torsti the bunny kept nibbling on my backpack straps.

Later that day we left at the same time, the other girls were heading to a utility shop to buy new lightbulbs and then went for a brisk evening walk to catch Pokémon.
I took a bus back to my home town, and went to the youth group at the new church.
I had a good time, talked with others, and ate plenty of treats.

I went to the shopping mall to take some discarded shopping carts to the shopping cart collection area and looked at Easter cards I could buy. I am sending the last batch of the Easter cards next week.

Once back at home, I had received junk mail even if I have a notification on the door about junk mail! And I also received a magazine that was supposed to be sent to someone who lived in this apartment before me. I will take it to the post office as soon as possible.

I dabbed lotion on my face and brushed my hair. In the evening, I took my evening medicine and the last biotin supplement of the day. I sprayed Nasonex into both of my nostrils and brushed my teeth.
I washed a load of laundry.

I have an unusually large, hard pimple on my collarbone. I have let it ripen for a few days and today I tried to pop it, but nothing but blood comes out. I also have a load of whiteheads on my chin, they are fun to pop.

Tomorrow I will receive the weekly allowance from my guardian of interest. I will order a PDF ticket to the coffee festival on Sunday.
I will go see my mother, she promised to give me extra money for the party. I will also ride my bicycle back home now that my brother has fixed it.
I will go shopping and buy two blankets and pillows for the two sleepover visitors. I will also buy the treats that I am going to serve at the Easter party; chocolate eggs, marshmallows peeps, jelly beans, blueberries, grapes, and cucumbers and carrots to slice and dip into sauce; and a box of cocoa powder and coffee grounds, and also oat milk, lactose- free milk, and whole milk.
Elysion will come for a sleepover, we will go to the sauna together. I will wash my hair and use the new bar of organic soap that I had bought.

On Saturday, I will tidy up my apartment before the guests arrive.

On Sunday, I will go vote in the elections, then go to the coffee festival with Mirette. In the evening, I will go see my parents so that my father can give me the weekly allowance.
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Sheesh, what kind of dreams I had!

Last night when I went to bed, I had a slight anxiety attack. It was there, but it wasn't as bad as usual.

I realized that one way of coping with my physical and mental ailments is that I am trying to figure out a way to cure them; my joints have been a bit stiff, is there a special exercise or stretching method that could help them? I'm having an anxiety attack, could eating a special mixture of nutrients help it?

When I went to bed, I found myself thinking that I am glad that tomorrow is a new day.

I had weird dreams. In one of them, I was in a city near my current home town, and there was a car tire factory that had exploded. It spread dangerous gas or something that looked like the symbiote from Venom, and it got stuck into people's bodies.
The government soldiers took us into abandoned factories and shot everyone who had been infected, and when they tried shooting me, I burst into tears and I was spared, somehow.
In the same dream, me and some other people found refugee in an abandoned shopping mall. I was living the best time of my life, I could lunch in a Chinese restaurant, go to a cosmetics shop to pick up face cream, and read books in a stationery shop. The society outside was in ruins and the air was dangerous to breathe, while I enjoyed luxurious life style.
In the same dream, me and a young feral man teamed up and went to my parents' home because I wanted to pick up some of my belongings. In the same dream, I had received a Facebook message from someone named Benjamin Cumberbatch who wanted to meet me on Saturday at a shopping center downtown; he explained that he was Benedict Cumberbatch and he wanted to do some sort of charitable work by bringing clean drinking water to the area destroyed by the factory explosion. I realized that it was only a small part of the town that was affected, and there was life outside it.

In another dream, I was in a forest in my mother's home town with Mick "the Sniper" Mundy from the first- person shooter game Team Fortress 2.
I walked away from him and ended up in a burial site. There was a grave where you could step on to hear a piece of music composed by the person, and stuff like that.

In yet another dream, me and my three best friends Mirette, Suavecita, and Eleclya were in a ski lift that looked like a level from the Crash Bandicoot games.

I woke up early, but decided not to get up because my dreams were so nice. And also, I had run out of milk and sugar, so I couldn't make coffee.

I got up anyway, took my morning medicine and the first biotin supplement. I got dressed and washed my face.

When I was having a wash, I heard my mail slot clatter. I went to check it out, and what do you know! I had received about half of all the Easter cards I had mailed. I guess it is because I put the return address stickers on them as well; I decided to take them to the postal office today.

I went to the church today, I had an appointment with a priest. We talked about religious stuff over a cup of coffee.

After that, I went to the shopping mall and bought an orange, a carton of lactose- free milk, and a bag of sugar.
I went to the library to pick up my requests.

Once back home, I made coffee, ate the orange, took the laundry off the drying rack, folded it and put it to the cupboard, except for the ones that are going to be ironed. I took the second biotin .
I called Eleclya and asked her if I can come over, she said Odessa was also visiting. They said it's alright for me to come over.

I took a bus to the postal office because it was a tad bit chilly outside and I didn't feel like walking. I re- mailed all the cards, and then I took a bus to Eleclya's home town.
Eleclya texted me and told me I cannot come after all, because she has some men coming over.

I visited a grocery shop to buy a mint chocolate truffle bar, and then I took a bus back home. I called my mother and asked her if I can come over, she said I can.

Once at my parents' home, both mom and dad and also my brother were home. My brother is staying for a couple of days because there is a renovation at his apartment.

Mom made me cocoa, I also ate a handful of cherry tomatoes, some feta cheese, and a couple of sandwiches. Along with the cocoa, I drank orange juice.

Later that day, I took a bus back to my home town. I took some discarded trolleys to the supermarket.

Once back home, I took my evening medicine and the last biotin supplement of the day. I brushed my hair and put three kinds of lotion on my face, and changed into a nightie.

I clicked all the daily donation buttons on Greater Good, and then I played Free Rice until my donation total reached 28,000 grains of rice.

Tomorrow I will go visit Eleclya, Suavecita will be there as well. After that, I will go to the youth group at the local church.

On Friday, I will receive the weekly allowance. I will pay for my Microsoft Word subscription, and order a ticket to the coffee festival.
I will buy two blankets and two pillows for my sleepover visitors. I will also buy treats for the Easter party.
In the evening, I will go to the sauna.

On Saturday, I will host an Easter party at my home. I need to tidy up before the guests arrive.

On Sunday, I will go to the coffee festival with Mirette.
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Just another Monday :D

I was already awake at six o’clock in the morning and thought about getting up. But then I reasoned that I wouldn’t find anything special to do, so I just kept on sleeping.
I got up at nine o’clock, and I was achy all over and in a foul mood. I went to the bathroom, took my morning medicine and the first biotin supplement of the day, and went to back to bed.

I got up again about at midday, washed the gunky sleep out of my eyes, got dressed, and went out. I was supposed to go to the nearest junior high to vote in the elections, but there was a normal school day, and there was also a notification that no other people than the students were allowed in.
Later that day I realized that the actual voting day is on Sunday this week.

On my way back home, I mailed the Easter cards. I still need to buy twelve of the ones I am supposed to mail, and also the ones that I am supposed to give from hand to hand.

I went back home and washed a load of laundry.
When my care worker came for the weekly appointment, I just hung the laundry but didn’t bother with washing the dishes or ironing the laundry. I just talked with her.
We made a new appointment on Wednesday, on the week after next week.
After she left, I stayed inside and wrote into my diary.

I went out and visited the shopping mall to buy a big bar of salmiakki chocolate. I took a bus to another part of the neighboring town and took a subway to Pasture Cape. Once there, I visited the eco- market and planned on buying some stuff. I also visited the nearest thrift store that has a new selection, and I almost fainted when I saw all the amazing clothes! When I get my monthly allowance, I am going to go there to buy all of the clothes I swooned at.

I went to Girls’ House, talked to Mirette a little bit, and then I left because I was heading to the Monday Evening group.
I took a tram to Pole City, once there I went to the place. Raija was there as well.

I made myself a sandwich and a cup of cocoa, and also ate some cherry tomatoes. I talked with the others.

When it was time to leave, I took a tram to downtown and went to a shopping mall to look for new clothes and jewelry, and also thought of buying some cute stuff for Zoya.

I took a bus back to my home town. Once back home, I took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day, and sprayed Nasonex into both of my nostrils.
I made raspberry & rose petal tea for supper.

Tomorrow I will wash my hair and use the twelve- step Korean skincare regiment.
If it has not snowed during the night, I will walk- push my bicycle to my parents’ home so that my dad can fix it. My mom will give me money and a spool of knitting yarn.
I will go to a stationery shop to buy greeting cards and postage stamps.
I will go to Twinkle café and give Raija and Mella their own Easter cards.
I have to leave early because I am going to a knitting & novel reading group in the library in Flux Island.

On Wednesday, I will go visit a priest in the local church. We will talk about religious stuff.
In the evening, I will go to movies to see Blackkklansman.

On Thursday, I will go visit my favorite dressmaker to bring them an Easter card. I will also go visit Perkele and give him and his family a card as well.
In the evening, I will go to the youth group at the same church.

On Friday, I will receive the weekly allowance from my guardian of interest. I will order a ticket to a coffee festival and also pay for my Microsoft Word subscription.
I will go shopping and buy two blankets and pillows for my sleepover visitors, and also Easter party treats and some festive paper plates.
In the evening, I will go to the sauna.

On Saturday, I will tidy up my apartment before the party guests arrive. Elysion and Mirette will have a sleepover at my home.

On Sunday, I will go to the coffee festival with Mirette. I will also go visit my parents so that my father can give me the weekly allowance. I will buy Easter cards.
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My plans for Monday, April 8th - Sunday, April 14th

Monday, April 8th:
I will go to the junior high school nearby to vote in the parliamentary elections. On my way there, I will mail all the Easter cards and a few other greeting cards as well.
My care worker will come for the weekly appointment at twenty minutes to three o’clock in the afternoon (2:40 pm), I will wash the dishes and iron the laundry during the visit. I also have to remember to give the worker an Easter card as well.
After the appointment, I will hoover the floor.
I will go to Girls’ House, and then to the Monday Evening group.
At some part of the day, I will do stretches, play the beta version of Free Rice until I have donated 1,000 grains of rice, and click all the donation buttons on Greater Good.

Tuesday, April 9th:
The first thing to do in the morning is to wash my hair and use the 12- step Korean skincare regiment, so I will look representable.
I will go visit my parents, so my mother can give me the weekly allowance. I will walk there and back.
I will buy a few greeting cards and postage stamps so I can “break” the money, and then I will go to Twinkle café. I will give Mella and Raija their own Easter cards, and I also have to remember to pay the voluntary buffet payment.
I won’t stay long, because I will go to a knitting & novel reading group in a library in the eastern part of the town.
At home, I will hoover the floor and wash the dishes, if there are any to be washed. Along with that, I will do the usual stretches and make the usual free donations.

Wednesday, April 10th:
I will go visit a priest in the local church at three o’clock in the afternoon. I will talk with her about my religious beliefs over a cup of coffee.
I will go to the natatorium and swim a few laps.
Once back home, I will do the same stuff; hoover the floor, wash the dishes if there are any, click all the donation buttons, and I will probably do the stretches before leaving to the natatorium.

Thursday, April 11th:
I will go to Horror Shop to give Perkele an Easter card, then I will go to my favorite dressmaker and give the workers an Easter card as well.
I will go to the youth group at the local church.
At some point of the day, I will hoover the floor, wash the dishes, make the donations, and do stretches.

Friday, April 12th:
I will receive the weekly allowance from my guardian of interest. The first thing to do is to order a ticket to the Helsinki Coffee Festival.
I will buy four pillows and blankets for my sleepover visitors, and the rest of the money will be spent on Easter party treats; chocolate eggs, marshmallow peeps, jelly beans, and something healthy like grapes, berries, vegan sour cream, dip powder, and cucumbers and carrots that I am going to slice and turn into dipsticks. I also have to buy Easter- themed paper cups and plates, and some decorations.
In the evening, I will go to the sauna.
Along with that, I will wash the dishes and hoover the floor, do stretches, and make the usual donations.
I also need to wash the pillows and blankets and take them to the drying room.

Saturday, April 13th:
I will host an Easter party in my home.
Before that, I will tidy up my apartment; hoover the floor and the sofa- bed, fetch the blankets and pillows from the drying room, take out the recycling, and set the serving table.
I have invited all my closest friends, and some of them will have a sleepover at my home.

Sunday, April 14th:
I will shave my armpits and my chin fluffs, and put on a face mask.
I will go to the Helsinki Coffee Festival with Mirette.
In the evening, I will go visit my parents and walk- push my bicycle there, so my dad can tune it up.
Once back home, I will wash the dishes and hoover the floor, do stretches, and do the daily donations. 
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Back home again! ^_^

I woke up early, got up, took my morning medicine and the first biotin of the day. I drank coffee and had rice porridge for breakfast.

I was barely out of my nightie when granny told me to go for a walk. I walked around the neighborhood in a bad mood and came back to granny’s home for lunch.

Later that day, granny gave me a tenner, talked about God and Jesus and praying, and I was really glad when I finally left. I sure love my granny very, very much, but I wouldn’t like to live with her for a long time.

The omnibus was late, as usual. On my way back to the metropolitan area, I just looked out of the bus window.

Once at the bus station, I went to the nearest supermarket and bought a bottle of this new caramel popcorn flavored iced coffee, a carton of soy milk, and a four- pack of chocolate eggs filled with cream.

While waiting for the bus, I drank the iced coffee and ate the chocolate eggs. The iced coffee tasted exactly like caramel popcorn, and the chocolate eggs were the most scrumptious thing after granny’s pancakes.

I took a bus back to my home town, on the bus I breathed the special sigh of relief that I usually breathe when I arrive home when I have been away for a long time.

Once back at home, I sorted out my mail. I had received an Easter letter from a Norwegian Tumblr friend and pen pal, it was so lovely and awesome! Along with the paper letter, I got three pieces of Easter chocolate, a tea bag (green tea flavored with raspberry and rose petals), an Easter card and some Easter stickers. It made me feel so warm in my heart.
I unpacked my suitcase, washed a load of laundry, sorted out the trash, took the laundry off the drying rack and folded it.

In the evening I took my evening medicine and today’s last biotin, sprayed Nasonex into both of my nostrils, brushed my teeth, washed my face, put lotion on my skin, and put on a clean nightie.

Tomorrow I will go to the nearby junior high to vote in the elections. I will also mail the Easter cards.
My care worker will come for the weekly appointment at twenty minutes to three o’clock in the afternoon, I will wash the dishes and iron the laundry during the visit. I also need to hoover the floor.
After the appointment, I will go visit Girls’ House, and then I will go to the Monday Group.
I also have to remember to take out the biological waste, and also remember to take out all the trash before leaving for a journey, especially the biological one. It has started to smell pretty badly.
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Another day at granny's

Last night I had a dream about the Doctor Who episode Angels Take Manhattan; it was kind of a re- imagination of said episode because in that dream, both Rory and Amy looked at the eleventh Doctor at the same time, smiled, and then died. The dream was so sad and beautiful that I almost woke up crying.
I had many other dreams; in one of them, I hosted an Easter party at my parents’ home that looked more like a lake house or the holiday resort where me and my mother used to go when I was a kid. I didn’t have enough money to buy all the Easter party treats, but a lot of visitors turned up.
In another dream, I was a paranormal investigator who investigated an abandoned school building with a “smile room” dominated by an imp who wanted to make everyone laugh. In the same dream, I investigated banshees in the Scottish moors and jackalopes in New Jersey.

I woke up early, fell back asleep, and when I woke up again and slowly opened my eyes. There were black squiggles dancing in front of my eyes, it looked like someone had stamped the ceiling with ink in the same repetitive text. I tried to read it, but then I got sick of it and got up.

I took my morning medicine and the first biotin supplement of the day. For breakfast I had muesli, a heart- shaped sandwich, and coffee.
I sprayed Nasonex into my nostrils, obeying granny’s advice; blocked my other nostrils, sprayed two sprays into the other and inhaled deeply; then the same to the other nostril.
I washed my face and put on face serum and cold cream, dabbed Miniderm on my skin, brushed my teeth, put my hair on plait, ironed my purple Dirndl dress and hung it on a coat hanger.

Granny went to the public swimming pool for water aerobics, I stayed at her home. I made some more coffee.

I received money today. I made a donation to Save The Children, paid for the Doctor Who DVD I had borrowed from the library and misplaced, and then I also paid for my Netflix subscription.

After granny came home, we had lunch, and then I went out. I went to the library to return a stack of books and DVDs, and then I went to the supermarket and bought four (4) Easter cards. Now I need to buy twelve (12) mailable cards, and then the ones I am going to hand out to my friends.

Once back at granny’s home, I spent most of the day inside, scrolling through my Facebook feed and Tumblr dashboard. I also clicked all the donation buttons on Greater Good, both on my laptop and smartphone, and played the beta version of Free Rice until my donation total reached 20,000 grains of rice.

In the evening I went out again, I wanted to visit the culture center but it was closed. I will go there tomorrow.

Once back at granny’s home, she had made pancakes. They had some green bits stuck at them, like parsley, but I didn’t say anything.

I ran out of knitting yarn, and my fingers are already itching to continue knitting quilts for the poor and unfortunate souls.
I called my mother and asked her if she could buy me more knitting yarn, preferably the stripy kind because I like it so much. I also asked her if she could buy me a new pair of shoes, because it’s spring here in Finland and I need a pair of proper shoes for the non- snowy season.

I made an appointment for having my nails and eyebrows done.
I also texted my father and asked him if he could fix my bicycle.

In the evening, I got an anxiety attack, but went to sleep nonetheless.

Tomorrow I will start packing for my journey back to the metropolitan area. I will go to the culture center, and then I will go to sauna with granny. I need to wash my hair properly, so I will look representable when I go back home.

On Sunday, I will go back home. My omnibus leaves at ten past four o’clock in the afternoon and will arrive to Helsinki at half past six o’clock in the evening. I will take a train back home.
Once there, I will unpack my suitcase, wash all the dirty clothes that I wore during my vacation, put on a face mask, sort out the recycling, stuff like that.
I will walk to my parents’ home, so my dad can give me the weekly allowance. I will buy groceries.
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I got my period, finally

Last night I had a dream where I was in a church and spoke in tongues and ripped my shirt, just to annoy the fundies.
In another dream, I was in an eco- market and tried to buy spaghetti in bulk so I could have at least something to eat, but it was too expensive.
In another dream, I was kept in a laboratory like Eleven in the Netflix series Stranger Things. I was given a jam bun to eat, but I noticed it was sentient and died immediately after I had licked the icing off. I said, “It has given up its will to live”, and I was immediately asked to explain what it means to “give up”. It was gruesome.

I got up in the morning, took my medicine and the first biotin supplement of the day. I washed my face and dabbed lotion on my skin and got dressed.
Granny went to the gym, I stayed inside all day surfing on the Internet and drinking coffee and quarreling with my delusions.

After granny came home, I helped her put the groceries into the fridge and lied that I had gone for a walk around the two cemeteries downtown. She believed me, and I hope she never finds out the truth, or the fact that I drank five cups of coffee in one go. She seems to be worried about my health and is constantly telling me what I should eat and how I should exercise; sometimes it’s annoying but I know all she means is good.

I have taken up the habit of using the nasal spray Nasonex, the one prescribed by the doctor, in the mornings as well, even if my doctor told me to use it in the evenings. But my granny told me to use it in the mornings as well, and I don’t have enough balls to disagree with her. Let’s see what happens, if I don’t become a 50- feet- tall cactus with tentacles instead of arms by midnight, I guess I am doing just fine.

I got my period today. About time, I thought I had turned into a man.

Every time I sneeze, I have bloody boogers coming out of my nose. I guess I can expel period blood both ways.

I have been in a bad mood all day. I can no longer hold up this “only good vibes and positive thoughts” façade.

In the afternoon, I helped granny cook cabbage stew for dinner.
After that, I remembered my diet and went walkabout on the lakeshore. I walked out of town, and then I headed back. I was in a bad mood and kept on quarreling with my delusions.
Once back at granny’s home, I was in a slightly better mood. I could get used to dieting; I am not actually going to be “heroin chic” thin, just shed all the excess weight and become healthier in body and mind. I need to exercise in order to cope with my depression and anxiety, and keep my bodily functions healthy, and improve my mood.

As for the rest of the day, I finished knitting the grandma square. I played FreeRice until my donation total reached 19,000 grains of rice.

For supper, I had a bowl of raspberries, half on an apple, and two cherry tomatoes. I also took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day, and sprayed Nasonex into both of my nostrils.

I had an anxiety attack; I felt like I was falling apart and panicking, but I couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason for it.

Tomorrow I will receive the weekly allowance from my guardian of interest, I will buy the rest of the Easter cards from the local supermarket and mail two greeting cards.
I also have to return the books and DVDs to the local library.

On Friday, I will start a- packing for my journey back home, and also go to the sauna with granny so I can wash my hair. That way, I will look representable when I go back to the metropolitan area.

On Sunday, I will go back home. My omnibus leaves at ten minutes past four o’clock in the afternoon.
I could take a bus or a train back to my home town; the bus takes a longer time, but it leaves right from the station next to the omnibus station. But then again, when I walk to the train station in another part of the town and haul my luggage bag, I get plenty of exercise.
Once back at my home, I will put on a Rosy Cheeks face mask, unpack my luggage and set a load of laundry to wash, and then walk to my parents’ home and back to collect the weekly allowance.
After that, I will do some discreet grocery shopping.
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Still doin' good

Last night I had plenty of weird dreams; I was fighting with the REDs from the first- person shooter game Team Fortress 2 against Silent Hill monsters.
In another dream, I went to a funfair and played a game and won a Pikachu plushy doll and a bottle of aloe vera water.
The dreams felt like usual dreams, they didn’t feel too realistic or like I knew I was dreaming. It felt like watching TV.

I woke up when granny came to my bedroom looking for clean towels from the cupboards. I didn’t know what the time was because granny hadn’t changed all the old- fashioned clocks in her apartment (we transferred to daylight savings time yesterday; my laptop and smartphone change the time automatically). I managed to get up, took my morning medicine and biotin supplements with cocoa, and didn’t bother with having breakfast.

Later that day my granny left, she was going to some sort of work out group for senior ladies at the gym. I stayed at her home, listening to music and drinking cocoa.

About at noon one of my best friends (whose name and gender I won’t reveal in order to protect their privacy) called me and told me that they had been considering suicide. I was immediately worried sick and tried to cheer them up as much as I could, but I simply cannot save another person from themselves. I thought of calling an ambulance, but I was so shocked that I couldn’t do anything.

I didn’t make any April fools jokes today. I know it’s all for fun, but I think the best kind of April fools are the ones that aren’t nasty or rude or scary, but those that make you feel happy that things aren’t so bad after all.
I know I don’t have any sense of humor, but I don’t like the kind of people who hurt, bully, abuse, harass, and / or insult others and then say; “Aww c’mon, I was just joking! Where’s your sense of humor?!”

I brushed my teeth, had macaroni casserole for lunch, and then granny came home.
I went for a walk, but only made it to the library because I was sick with worry for my friend. I know I cannot save them, so all I can do is prepare for the worst and hope for the best. And even if they choose to commit suicide, I will bring flowers to their grave and hope they are having a good time in paradise.

I sat around for a while, went to see a new art show, and then I went back to granny’s home. I felt like my head was high in the clouds, and my mind was lost in thought.

I spent the day reading books, knitting, and I also played the beta version of FreeRice until I had donated 1,000 grains of rice.

In the evening, I went for another walk. The scent of the air outside clung to my spring coat, it was nice.

Once back at granny’s home, I watched television with her and talked a bit.

I took my evening medicine and the last biotin of the day. I also sprayed Nasonex into my nostrils.
At some point I should brush my teeth, wash my face, feet, and armpits, dab lotion on my skin, and change into a nightie, but it feels like as much of an effort as climbing a high mountain.
Tomorrow I will go to the library and fetch two DVDs I had requested. I will only watch one a day.

Wednesday and Thursday will pretty much be the same; I will go for walks, visit the art museum and the library, play FreeRice, and watch movies.

On Friday, I will receive the weekly allowance from my guardian of interest. I will buy fifteen charitable Easter cards from the local supermarket, and write the greetings, signatures, and addresses.
I will also return all the books and DVDs to the library.

On Saturday, I will go to sauna with my granny. I will wash my hair, so I will look representable when I return to the metropolitan area.

On Sunday, my omnibus leaves at ten minutes past four o’clock in the afternoon, and it will return in Helsinki at half past six o’clock in the evening. I will take a bus back home because there is no way I can haul my suitcase to the train station, bleh.
Once back at my home town, I will go to the supermarket and buy all April’s name- day and birthday cards.
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Updating from granny's home :3

Last night I had a dream where I was on my way to an Easter- themed youth group at Walnut Hill, but I got on the wrong bus and ended up in a Simpsons- themed museum where I got to eat plenty of chocolate mousse. The museum was held up by the Firefly / Driftwood clan from the Rob Zombie movie House of 1000 Corpses, and they were really nice to me and thought of me like I was one of them. It was a nice dream, even if it was a bit weird.
In another dream, I traveled in my home town and decided to attend more rock music concerts.
I also had some very sexual dreams, in one of them I was wanking off to inflation art on DeviantART, even if I normally detest it. In the dream, I rode my bicycle from my parents’ home town to my own home town, and I knew I couldn’t wake up before I made it back to my apartment. I tried opening my eyes, but they wouldn’t open.
I also had a dream where I was married to Roger Delgado.

I woke up about at six o’clock in the morning, and I felt like I was ready to get up. I decided to sleep later and got up about at nine o’clock in the morning, because there was no way I could have found enough chores and stuff to do before leaving for my granny’s home for a little Easter getaway.

I took my morning medicine and the first biotin supplement of the day and drank coffee.

Later I took a shower, washed my hair and face, put about five different lotions on my troublesome skin, and got dressed into neat clothes.

I received my Wish order today, four of those cloth things that have pockets on them. I hung them into the clothes rail in my closet with coat hangers, I am going to put my underwear in them.

I took the laundry off the drying rack and folded it and put it to the cupboard, and then I washed another load of laundry. I also washed the dishes and scrubbed the toilet bowl.

Later when I had received my weekly allowance, I took a bus to my parents’ home town and took the plastic waste to the recycling unit. It was a bright sunny day, and the air was a bit dusty.
I walked to the station and took the same bus back to my home town. Once there, I went to the shopping mall, withdrew the cash at an ATM machine, and bought fourteen Easter cards with the postage fee paid by a charitable company. I also bought a new toothbrush, a packet of interdental brushes, and two small boxes of xylitol drops.

Once back home, I started working on the Easter cards. I put the return address stamps on them, and wrote the greetings, signatures, and receiver’s address on them.

I was still supposed to iron the laundry, take out the recycling, and hoover and mop the floor including from under the furniture and in the bathroom, but instead I just scrolled through Tumblr.
I chided myself for being lazy, but it felt almost devastating to think about how much I still had work left to do. I knew I would have been happy after doing all the chores, and I still had plenty of time to spend.

In the afternoon, I went to two different cafes and bought two bagels; one with cold- smoked salmon and cream cheese and salt and pepper and cucumber slices, and one with a big slice of goat cheese, salad, and onion. Then I took a bus downtown and went to a stationery shop to buy a few greeting cards and stamps.

I took an omnibus to my granny’s home. I arrived there at half past eight o’clock in the evening.
Once at granny’s home yard, I called her and she threw the keys from the balcony so I could open the front door.

Once at her home, I hugged and kissed her and gave her an Easter card. I had lingonberry porridge and Karelian pies for supper, took my evening medicine and the last biotin supplement of the day.

Tomorrow I will go for two long walks, and I will probably continue knitting.
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An amazing day :3

Last night I had a dream where I somehow got 2660 euros deposited to my bank account. I immediately spent it on Wish and Etsy.

Today was the last day at the wellness camp. I could have stayed a bit longer, because I was just getting used to the routines.

Anyway. In the morning, I got begrudgingly up from my bed at half past six in the morning after being awoken by my roomie’s fart.
I got dressed, took my morning medicine and first biotin supplement of the day, and went to eat breakfast.

For today, we played ball games with something called kinball which was a huge inflated ball about the size of a gorilla; we were given colored vests, blue, green, yellow, and red, and divided into colored groups. Three other players of the same colored vest held the ball up, and one shouted a color such as “Blue!” and threw the ball, and then the blues had to catch the ball, hold it up, and shout a color while throwing it, and then the aforementioned group had to catch it.
Then we played tag where the tag was supposed to touch another person with the kinball, and then the tagged person had to do the same. I had a good time and laughed a lot, and we played plenty of other games.

After that, we were divided into two groups, and the first one was supposed to go to something called “sense room”. I thought it might be like the assisted suicide clinic from the movie Soylent Green, but it looked like a class room with photos from the Swiss Alps projected on the screen. Everyone burst out laughing when it showed cows grazing at a pasture. Moo!

After that, we had lunch, and then we had the final meeting. We packed our luggage to the minivan, I hugged Hilda, and then we left.
It took us an hour and a half to drive to the metropolitan area. I let my head loll against the van window, and I had a dream where I ate oatmeal and actually opened and closed my mouth in my sleep. Then the dream changed, and I was eating spaghetti Bolognese.

We stopped at Stick City, where the rest of the group got off. The counselor drove me to my home town, where I went to the supermarket to buy a carton of unsweetened soy milk.

I went back home, took the second biotin supplement, washed a load of laundry, and shaved my armpits. I need to buy a new razor.
I took the last load off the drying rack, folded it, and put the not- ironable to the cupboard and the ironable to the ironing board.

I went to the shopping mall to return empty bottles and cans and bought an Easter card I gave to the counselor in the youth group.
Once at the youth group, I drank coffee and ate plenty of goodies, such as cheese Pringles and salmiakki candy.

I left after about an hour and went back to the shopping mall. I returned more empty cans that I had found, and bought an Easter card to my granny, one with a picture of Jesus Christ on a grassy field, herding sheep. Baa!

I went back home, took my evening medicine and the last biotin supplement, and put on a bathrobe instead of a nightie so I wouldn’t have to wash too much laundry tomorrow.

My head hurts in a way it feels like it’s in a vice. There’s a weird pressure on the top and sides.

Tomorrow will be a busy day; the first thing to do is to take a shower and brush my teeth and put on clean clothes.
I need to make a few phone calls, three of them will go to the counselors of a few hobby groups that I am going to take part in this spring, and I also need to make a dentist’s appointment.
I will go to the shopping mall and buy fourteen Easter cards, a biodegradable toothbrush, and a small box of xylitol drops, next week’s birthday and name- day cards and proper postage stamps.
I will spend the afternoon tidying up; I need to swab the dining table, nightstand, writing desk, and the kitchen counter, tidy up the bathroom, hoover and mop the floor including from under the furniture and in the bathroom, take out the recycling, iron the clothes, wash the dishes, wash another load of laundry, take the mattress and blanket and pillow to the balcony, and at some point I have to visit my parents’ home town to take the plastic waste to recycling.
After that, I will go to downtown. I will buy a few nightshirts from the discount sale at the thrift store, and also a tongue brush from the eco- shop.
My omnibus leaves at twenty minutes past six o’clock in the evening, and it will arrive to my granny’s home town at half past eight o’clock in the evening.
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Second day at the Wellness Camp

Last night I woke up about at midnight. I had the kind of vision that the bedside table lamp was turned on, even if it wasn’t.

When Hilda’s smartphone alarm started buzzing in the morning, neither of us got up. I finally got up, took my biotin and morning medicine, and got dressed.

For breakfast, I had scrambled eggs, two hard- boiled eggs, two tangerines, and coffee.

Later that day, we had endurance tests; how many times you could run from place to place in fifty seconds, how fast you could dribble a ball from line to line, and how far you could jump.

After a short break, we went to a sports hall with two huge trampolines. I started jumping on one of them, and I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants! It was amazing!
We had other activities too, such as one where we stood in a circle and everyone had to come up with a stretching exercise that all the others repeated. I came up with the one where you stretch your calf muscles.

After a while, we had lunch, and then we went to a swimming pool.
We did water aerobics and played water polo, after that we had dinner.
I have noticed that I always get hungry when I do water aerobics or swim a lot in a swimming hall.
I have also noticed that I don’t miss coffee much now that I have got cocoa to drink.

I went back to my hotel room to update my journal, watch How Sarah Got Her Wings and The Good Place and click the daily donation buttons on Greater Good.

I have noticed that the four front teeth on my lower jaw have started hurting in the same way they have hurt many times; not exactly painfully hurting, just annoying, like itching.

In the evening, we played curling. I found it boring and too hard, not to mention that I was afraid of slipping on the ice. I just sat on the benches and wrote into my diary. One of the foreign students complimented on my penwomanship (my spellchecker actually recognizes that word!).

We were given paper forms that we could use to give critique on the camp.
Once in my hotel room, I took my evening medicine and third biotin supplement, then I updated my blog.

Tomorrow we will have more ball games, and then we will drive back to the metropolitan area.
I should be back home about at three o’clock in the afternoon. Once back home, if I am still sleepy, I will sleep off all the sleep debt. After getting up, I will go to the supermarket to buy a carton of unsweetened soy milk, and an Easter card for the youth group workers. I also have to do housework; wash laundry, hoover and mop the floor including from under the furniture and also in the bathroom, and take the plastic waste to recycling before the youth group at the local church. I will give the Easter card to the youth group workers.

Friday will be a very busy day; I will receive the weekly allowance from my guardian of interest. I will buy fourteen Easter cards that I am going to mail to my friends, and another Easter card for my granny.
I also have to buy sustenance for the trip, and a toothbrush, tongue brush, interdental brushes, and a box of xylitol drops I can eat after every meal.
I also have to buy the greeting cards I will send next week, and proper stamps for them.
I will also do the rest of the housework; scrub the toilet bowl, take out the recycling, iron the laundry, pack the rest of the luggage, and triple- check every detail before leaving.
I will take an omnibus to my granny’s home town, the bus will be there at half past eight o’clock in the evening. Granny promised that if I call her when I arrive, she will throw the keys from the window so I can go in.

On Saturday, I will go for two long walks around the neighborhood; one at the lakeshore, and one on the hill. Me and granny will also go to the sauna.

On Sunday, I will go for another two walks, and knit a lot and watch Netflix.
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Updating from the wellness camp :D

Last night I had a dream where I was bullied by a girl I knew from junior high, but the setting was my grade school. It was a regular nightmare.

I was already awake before my smartphone alarm woke me up. I was thinking of getting up and starting the day afresh, but I didn’t have any unsweetened soy milk left for my morning coffee, so I couldn’t scrounge up any motivation.
I got up, took my morning medicine, got dressed, and went back to bed. When my alarm clock rang, I got up, packed the rest of my stuff, and walked to the psychiatric clinic. The bright sunlight and the chilly weather seemed to mock my mood.

One of the counselors drove us to the wellness camp, I drifted in and out of sleep in the van and had weird micro- dreams. Once there, I was still sleepy.

We were given our own rooms, I got the room 6109 that I share with Hilda. When she arrived, I gave her an Easter card; she was very happy about it. She also gave me her birthdate and address, so I can send her more cards.
Once Easter is over, the next holiday cards I send will be Halloween cards.

I took my first biotin supplement of the day because I didn’t take it in the morning.

We went to have lunch, and let me tell you, it has been a while before I ate such a sumptuous meal. After that, I took a nap and had the second biotin of the day, and then we were supposed to play ball games with foreign students (my English vocabulary is very good, but I speak it a bit uncertainly), and I was still sleepy and a bit under the weather. I quickly excused myself and went to the ladies’ changing room to have a bit of a cry.
I have been a bit subdued for a while now because of my PMS, and not to mention that the ball games brought me bad memories from grade school.
I have noticed that I feel better when I have a good cry, rather than when I have a good laugh. Sometimes you have to cry all the tears to make room for all the smiles.
Fortunately the students understood me, and I got plenty of hugs.

We had dinner, which was as scrumptious as the lunch. After that, we went bowling. I had a good time, even if I pretty much screwed up all my throws.

Once back at the hotel, I took my evening medicine and third biotin of the day, took a shower and went to bed.

Tomorrow we will have water polo and curling. I am already looking up to the meals we are having.

On Thursday, we will travel back home. Once there, I will wash laundry, and hoover and mop the floor including from under the furniture and in the bathroom.
In the evening I will take the plastic waste to recycling, and then I will go to the youth group at the local church.

On Friday, I will do the rest of the housework; take out the recycling, wash the dishes, scrub the toilet bowl, take the laundry off the drying racks and iron it.
I will receive money, so I will buy the half of the rest of the Easter cards I am going to mail; I usually buy two kinds of greeting cards, the ones that I am going to give from hand to hand to a friend, and those that I am going to mail to a friend who lives farther. Usually I buy the kinds of greeting cards that have the postage fees paid by a charitable company.
I will also buy a new toothbrush and tongue brush I am going to use at granny’s home, a small tin of xylitol drops, and of course, the sustenance for the omnibus journey.
My bus leaves at twenty minutes past six o’clock in the evening, and it arrives at granny’s home town at half past nine o’clock in the evening.
Once there, I will have supper with granny, unpack my luggage, and go to sleep.

On Saturday, I will go for a walk around the neighborhood. Me and granny will also go to the sauna.

On Sunday, I will go for another walk around the neighborhood, and also knit and watch Netflix.
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Upsetting dreams and an unhappy future

Last night I had upsetting dreams, I almost woke up crying.

I was already awake at half past nine o’clock in the morning, but I continued sleeping till noon.

After getting up, I took my morning medicine and drank coffee and surfed on Tumblr.
Then I took a shower and used the twelve- step Korean skincare regiment. I got dressed into a pair of pants and a striped t- shirt; normally I would have put on a pretty dress, but I didn’t have any clean leggings.

I washed two loads of laundry, and I was hanging them on the drying racks and fighting with my delusions when my care worker came for the weekly appointment.

I didn’t bother with ironing the laundry or washing the dishes, I just talked to the worker about how miserable I have been feeling, and a bit about my unhappy past.
I have come to realize that I have actually never had the kind of time period in my life where I have been happy and content. I have been depressed and anxious ever since my childhood, and no matter how happy I am momentarily, I am always a little bit freaked out and unhappy.
Well, of course I know that no one can be a hundred percent happy and content all the time, but I am barely thirty percent happy at my happiest moments.

After the appointment was over, I left and went to the shopping mall to buy a new red blouse. I also bought a bar of toffee- and- nut chocolate.
I took a bus to downtown, on my way there I started feeling so drowsy that I almost fell asleep on my seat. I don’t know why, I didn’t take a tranquilizer today.

I took a subway to west and went to Girls’ House. I drank a few cups of cocoa and tried to keep my head together.

Later that day I left and took a tram to another part of the town. I went to the Monday Evening Group in Twinkle cafe; I ate a few sandwiches, and a handful of cherry tomatoes and dark grapes, and drank a couple of mugs of cocoa.

Later in the evening I took a tram back to downtown, and then a train to my home town.
My right shoulder has started hurting again, even if I have taken my painkillers.
I went to the shopping mall and bought a plastic jar of biotin supplement for myself. I also went to the stationery shop and bought an Easter card for Hilda.

Once back home, I took the first biotin supplement, and made some tea and supper. In the evening I took my meds, and went to bed.

I have noticed that I no longer enjoy things the way I used to. Just traveling to downtown used to feel like an exciting journey, but nowadays everything feels like nothing at all.
It could be that I am reaching middle age and have already experienced everything, nothing is new anymore. Or it could be a symptom of depression.
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All feminist brunch makes the rockin' world go 'round

I had a sleepover at Mirette's home. I slept fully clothed in her spare bed, and we both went to sleep about after midnight.

I had a dream about my grade school, and another dream where I watched the Doctor Who episode The Sea Devils on a VHS tape.

Both me and Mirette got up before my smartphone alarm rang. We were both still a bit sleepy.
I took my morning medicine, and ate some candy for breakfast.

Later the morning we left, and took a subway to downtown. We went to a restaurant that we had never visited before; there was a free brunch arranged by a Finnish feminist coalition. We would have had a good time there if the place wasn't so crowded; we barely had room to move.
Nevertheless, I got to eat gluten- free white bread with pesto and hummus, salad with tofu and couscous and beans, and fresh kiwifruit and honeydew melon slices.
After I was done, me and Mirette planned that I will go visit my parents, so my mom and dad can give me the weekly allowance.

I took a bus to my parents' home town. It was a beautiful sunny day.

Once at my parents' home, dad gave me twenty euros. Mom gave me a box of licorice candies she had bought on her cruise, even if I have told her that I don't want her to buy me candy or chocolate, because I already eat far too many treats.
She also complained about how I spend my days, how I shouldn't go to the Twinkle café every week now that I go to the Monday Group as well. She said something like that sometimes she loses her nerve with her family. I didn't even realize she takes my business so seriously.

I ate a handful of cherry tomatoes, and drank some coffee and orange juice.
Later that day, me and my mother walked to the shopping mall where my mother gave me another twenty euros.

I took a bus to Mirette's home. Once there, I ate some vinegar crisps.
We caught a subway to downtown, where we went to Subway to buy some sandwiches. Then we went to a movie theater, and went to see the movie Captain Marvel. I loved that movie, it had an amazing amount of girl power.

After the movie, I took a bus back home. Once there, I took my evening medicine and drank almost a liter of water in one go because I was thirsty after Mirette shared some of her sweet popcorn with me.

I drank about four cups of coffee, and became increasingly worried of the way how I grind my teeth. I have been thinking of getting Botox shots to cure it.

I'm having kind of an existential crisis right now. I see no reason in bettering the quality of my life, because I will be dead in a few decades and then it won't be a problem. I am not talking about suicide, but my natural death.
I also had an idea, but dismissed it right away; I could better my life right now by taking a shower, brushing my teeth, eating some fresh vegetables and fruits, washing the laundry and the dishes. But it's almost midnight, and I was supposed to go to bed.
I also have a strange paranoid feeling that other people will judge me if I stay up late and drink coffee and watch Netflix. I try to tell myself that those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind, but I cannot shake the feeling.
I am also having trouble with relaxing my face muscles; when I relax my cheek muscles, my forehead muscles tense.

Nevertheless, I managed to get up and shower my underbelly that had weird residue in it, and also wash my hands that had some crud under the nails and smelled weird. I also put cortisone lotion on the skinrash in my armpits.

Tomorrow morning I will take a shower and do the twelve- step Korean skincare regiment. I will also brush my teeth.